Midair Piggy Back Rides and Sweaty, Partially Nude, Hot People

Quote of the Day
"To lose a husband or a lover or two during one's lifetime can be vexing.... but to lose one's teeth is a catastrophe." - Mme. Armfeldt, A Little Night Music

I saw a rather disturbing, yet highly amusing commercial last night for the newest fragrance set to hit the shelves next month: Justin Bieber's Someday

So what we have here is a pre-pubescent girl, particularly her neck, getting molested by a very lethargic Justin Bieber. He then proceeds to take her on a celestial piggy back ride (still lethargic) while it looks like their wire harnesses are getting ridiculously tangled. He (and his gay-ass purple sneakers) finally restores the preteen to her bedroom for another neck-sniffing session as she spritzes on some more of his fragrance with a huge-ass flower for a lid.

Now I realize that this is probably one of the most G-rated perfume commercials you're ever going to get, but it's definitely not the most disturbing or nonsensical. You see, all fragrance commercials require a few things:

1. They must make absolutely no sense.

2. They must be sexual
- Usually including:

A. Heavy breathing
B. Making out or sexual touching
C. Lustful staring
D. Wetness: people are either extremely sweaty or submerged in water
E. Various levels of partial nudity by people with bodies that would make Adonis weep.

3. Any 30-second story line they many have come up with must NOT relate to perfume except for when the image of the bottle flashes on the screen at the end.

I've provided a few examples to back my research. First we have a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana's Light Blue.



Case in point. We have 95% nudity (extra points for white and wet attire), heavy petting, making out, washboard abs, and some very nice lustful staring. The message here is that if you buy this expensive fragrance, you too can be a beautiful, scantily clad supermodel making out with an equally beautiful, scantily clad supermodel by the pristine ocean.

Next we have Dior's Midnight Poison, starring Bond girl, Eva Green. I forgot to mention that there is a second type of fragrance commercial. Though usually still sexually charged, the second type typically entails a beautiful woman running around in a huge, asset-revealing ball gown.... and that's it.

And now I bring you a few example of the "wet" themed commercials. First, we have the lustful staring and ejaculation references. If that doesn't make me want to spritz on some perfume, I don't know what does!

I think the message of this commercial is pretty basic: use this perfume, and you'll climax.

And finally, we have Beyoncé's Heat. I think this is the only time that someone can appear to be walking around a sauna, yet still look damn saxy! Reminder folks, it's ALL makeup!

Yes folks, use this perfume, and you'll be sexy, beautiful, desirable, and moist! Plus you'll smell like Beyoncé! And who doesn't want that?

....and just for fun, we have the original queen of zany perfume ads, Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. R.I.P., Liz!!

So go out into the word and buy yourself some self-assuring fragrant spray!