Thought of the Day:
What's up with Conan O'Brien's face?
I just had a "meh" audition for Once Upon A Mattress last night. I think I might have psyched myself out a bit. Hopefully I'll get a callback to potentially redeem myself...
Anyway, I spent a week and a half watching videos of Carol Burnett for inspiration/research to prepare for the audition. On at least one occasion, I shed tears from excessive laughter. I wanted to share some clips of this incomparable entertainer for your enjoyment. So, enjoy!
Let's start with a montage of some of her greatest moments:
And here's her infamous Gone With The Wind Parody
(you can skip to 12:00 if you just wanna see the dress part)
This was part of my research/inspiration for Mattress (obviously)
This one is special because it puts two of the funniest people ever in the same skit.
Thank you, Carol, for being the most open, genuine, sincere, and hands-down funniest frackin' thing since Abbott & Costello. You rule!
"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." - Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
Once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties for
the past few months. I find it
interesting that I feel such guilt about it since no one really reads this
thing anyway. I mean, I have plenty of
thoughts and should write them down
because if I try and articulate them, I usually end up crying or sounding like
an incompetent, emotionally unstable child.
Seriously, I think I sound pretty intelligent, and sometimes even
occasionally clever, when I say stuff in my head. But somewhere between my cerebrum and my
pie-hole, my lucid logic somehow turns to “goo-goo ga-ga.” So why do I continue
sporadically filling this blank screen with nigh-witty nonsense that no one
reads and send it into the vast universe for everyone to read? Cranial sanity, I suppose…
Well, back to the Lonely Blog drawing board! I’m thinking about changing the name of this
thing; I don’t share too many of my “adventures” on it, so it doesn’t really
make too much sense. Plus, I’m pretty
sure my mother skims this thing from time to time, so I don’t think she
wants/needs to know about my legendary status among the Midwestern truck stops
and my penchant for Somali pirates. However,
I do take pride in my dorkiness. On the
other hand, my man insists that the term “dork” is a derogatory term that
insults one’s intelligence. On the other other hand, I underplay my
intelligence quite a lot, so in essence, that indeed validates me as a
self-proclaimed dork… on the other other
other hand, (there are a plethora of hands around here), a dork is slang for a
whale’s penis and I definitely don’t want to be associated with that… I wonder
how many people didn’t want to be associated with San Diego after Ron Burgundy
enlightened us with its real translation...
Maybe I’ll name it something in reference to the fact that
nobody reads it. BRILLIANT!!
I finally thought of a subject that everyone can identify
with: Birthdays. Everyone’s got a
birthday. Everyone’s got their own
opinion about birthdays. You may hate
them or love them. You may revel in the
obligatory attention paid to you on that one day of the year when you are the
true star. You may dread birthdays as a
cruel, painful reminder from God that you are now one year closer to death. You may not even remember it’s your birthday
until Facebook reminds everyone else to remind you.
My birthday is about a week and a half away. And I like birthdays. What’s not to like about free dinner, free
cake, and some presents? But it’s
interesting how I can manage to take a concept as basic as birthdays and
overanalyze it to a pulp. I am the
biggest stage-hog alive, but my hogginess is only limited to the stage. Unless I’m performing, I loathe people
gathering around and watching me have fun.
I like showering attention on other people and watching them have fun,
but the thought of a bunch of people gathering around and singing “Happy Birthday”
to me makes me cringe. It’s
intimidating, if you think about it. One
time, I was at a Hard Rock Café with some friends. I went to the bathroom and
when I came back, they had told the waitress it was my birthday (it
wasn’t). She pulled me to the middle of
the restaurant and made me stand on a chair while the whole restaurant sang
Happy Birthday to me. I hated it. I
didn’t go to the bathroom in their company for a long time after that. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort and
affection, but I don’t like being the center of attention unless I’m commanding
it. It’s weird.
Unlike the winter gift-giving holidays, the gift giving on birthdays are usually pretty
one-sided. I feel like a freeloader when
I get all these gifts and I don’t have to give anything. I’m pretty confident that people like me are
the ones who invented party favors; people who feel so awkward about not giving
anything while they’re being showered with love and gifts, they have to give at
least a little something out of some internal guilt.
This year, I vow to not internalize the mechanics of
birthdays and just enjoy myself. I’ve
got a birthday weekend lined up with the boyfriend, who knows of my aversion to
being fussed over, so I’m covered there. I also vow to ask for what I want this year.
Not so much gift-wise (see below), but I think I’m too passive for my own
good. I need to pull on the Bitch Boots
every once and a while. It’s good to be
assertive and I need some practice. I’ll
start with the following request… nay, requirement, for my family: This year for my birthday dinner, I wish to
eat at Joe’s Crab Shack and receive some baked good made with funfetti.
Afterthought:
I think the Birthday Person’s mother
deserves some kind of shout out each year too for squeezing your sorry ass out of
her vagina after lugging you around
for 9 months. So this April 21, I thank
you, Mother! ....And thanks for spotting the typo!!!
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
I was just thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know!) about, of
all things, mate-attracting rituals. Just about every group of species on this
rock we live on has some procedure they instinctively carry out in order to
attract a partner, be it for recreation or reproduction. But seriously, there are some
really weird rituals out there these animals do, purely on instinct! Some puff themselves up and perform
elaborate dances, some present gifts, some butt their heads into each other,
some roar and make menacing gesticulations, some release their sperm out into
the ocean, some just hop on and start humping…
Mate selection is achieved by two main methods:
1 .The
animal primps, adorns, struts, and presents itself to be attractive to the
desired mate.
2 .The
animal attacks the shit out of any rivals vying for the desired mate.
I find it interesting that in almost every case of mate
selection protocol, in almost every type of mammal, reptile, amphibian, bird,
fish, and invertebrate, it almost always seems to be the male of the species
that performs the mating dance or the pebble presentation or the “cock-fight.” It is the male that presents all its
plumage and aggression and effort to the female’s judgment.
I’m not sure how I feel about this fact of nature, for
humans are to be included in this observation too. Part of me feels flattered. My gender is so sought after
that almost all species have these extravagant methods males instinctively
perform to attract us. However,
another (stronger) part of me has a feeling that it’s not so much my gender
that’s so sought after, but merely the physical attributes of my gender (aka-
my va-jay-jay) and those males are lucky we don’t make them do more than some
stupid bird dance to get into our pants.
Ever since humans decided they were the smartest beings on
the planet (however, according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, they are actually the third most intelligent,
surpassed by mice and dolphins), men have had a particularly difficult time appealing to
females as an appropriate mate.
When selecting a mate, the female has to consider factors like
hunting/gathering skills, security and safety provision, and potential gene
contribution to her future offspring.
I think human males have a tougher time these days, not just because
they typically have to appear attractive sexually as well as emotionally to
have a chance with a female (a challenging task, indeed!), but also because one
of the most effective human male mating rituals has slowly deteriorated from
our species: Chivalry.
Author Kenelm
Henry Digby offers the
following definition: “Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state
of mind which disposes men to heroic actions, and keeps them conversant with
all that is beautiful and sublime in the intellectual and moral world.”
I’m of the impression that chivalry is the ongoing mating
dance of the human male species.
Men have to keep dancing pretty much until they die if they want to hold
on to their mate and keep her impressed. Of course, these days, when you think “chivalry,” you think dudes in shining armor on a
horse with a sword, assisting some otherwise helpless young maiden. I’m not saying a guy should be expected
to throw his coat on a puddle for a lady or slap someone in the face with a
glove and challenge them to a duel for her “honor.” But making a practice of holding a door (for anyone; it’s
polite) or just treating a
female like she’s more than a humpable piece of meat is a good step in the
right direction. An act that makes
any person feel respected and appreciated as a person is my personal definition
of “Chivalry 2.0.”
In today’s world of liberated, ambitious women who often
need to step on a few testicles to be taken seriously, chivalry is often forced
to the backseat and assumed dead.
I say not so! It's tough for guys to determine that fine line between sexism and chivalry. It's not like the old days when courting was a formal process and you were allowed to physically assault your mate after you've legally snagged her. But that doesn't mean charm and suave need to be shut off entirely in order to not piss off the ladies. Though the art of manliness has changed over time, the basic
idea of a stand-up guy who respects and values women and does things every now
and then to let her know is more attractive to me than
any musk I’ve smelled.
Quote of the Day: "You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
Most people with aspirations of world domination dream of
anarchy or being ruling master or money.
I think if I were to achieve the difficult task of world domination, I
would run the planet in a totally different fashion than popularly
envisioned. I would establish a
minimal-government democracy, where everyone is acknowledged and, if not
accepted, tolerated. Education,
harmony, and cooperation to achieve universal progress would be my world’s
highest-held values. To keep
government minimal, pay grades usually bestowed to government positions shall
be swapped with pay grades usually bestowed to positions in the arts and
education (i.e. educators and artists would earn the big bucks while
politicians earn scraps). Also,
credit shall be limited as a last resort.
If you don’t have money, you don’t spend it.
I shan’t throw the word “peace” around too heavily because
in my Camelot-esque dominated planet, I realize that people are not going to
always feel peaceful towards each other.
But dammit, there will be civility between parties! I do believe we are capable of
co-existing and agreeing to disagree without killing each other. Why we feel that we can’t is still a
mystery to me. I’m not saying
everyone has to like each other (though that would be nice!) or even get along,
but a strict policy of civil, cordial, leave-each-other-the-fuck-alone behavior
will be enforced.
If relative harmony is breached at any point, all involved
parties shall elect one leader each to have a contained slug-out match in their
local town square (NOTE: In scheduling aforementioned slug-outs, events of
festivity, observance, and/or *insert medical condition* awareness take
precedence in local town squares).
These slug-outs shall be orchestrated following all but the first two
rules of Fight Club. Once a winner is announced, his or her
party is deemed the victor and the subject in question is then forever
closed. If discord is still
present, both parties shall face jail time and heavy fines, according to the
severity of their actions. There
shall be no death penalty, but those who are sentenced to life will wish there
was a death penalty (use your imagination). Should large parties (i.e. world nations or religious
groups) attempt malicious violence and, potentially, homicide against each
other, all who wish to participate shall be shipped to their choice of 3 remote
locations undesirable to human habitation for a mass slug-out:
A.The Sahara Desert
B.A “Conflict” Base erected solely for mass slug-outs in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean
C.Pluto
I think it’s interesting that Camelot worked beautifully up
until someone decided it wasn’t enough to live well with others and be part of
a society of fellowship and ideology.
It seems that civility and non-violent conflict resolution can exist until someone gets greedy. When people spend all their time and
energy on hating on someone else, that’s when bad things happen. Take all these Middle Eastern nutjobs
who do nothing but blow themselves up for some supposed heavenly reward and
hate all things not Muslim because an ancient book (apparently) says so. Or those Bible thumpers who go around
shouting that you’re wrong for accepting certain things (also a result of an
ancient book. Interesting…). Do you see anything useful come from
these people? Do you see them
creating any works of art or technology or architecture or engineering? Do you see contributing anything useful
to society? No, they just sit
around and pontificate about God-knows-what. I personally don’t have the time or energy to
sit around hating and coveting and carrying a grudge. I’ve got much better things to do. I realize it’s hard for people to get back up when life
kicks them or they’re born into a world of strife and harshness, but standing
on a street corner with a cardboard sign and yelling to the world that you
deserve better isn’t helping.
Or maybe I’m the one who’s got it all wrong. Maybe everyone else is right to be cold
and bitter and ignorant and standoffish to anything different. Maybe we should all feel entitled to
what we don’t deserve or aren’t willing to work for. I know that’s the way it is and has been for a hell of a
long time. But even if it means being taken advantage of, I intend to set an
example and open myself to things I may not understand or even like if it means
coming away with a positive, enlightening experience. So to all those stuck up bastards who think you’re above
something because of who you are/aren’t, fuck you!
Aside from establishing a cordial, enlightened, industrious
planet, I also decree a few national/federal holidays and changes to the
average work schedule to be implemented:
1.4 Day Work Week - 3rd day off is up to the employee
2.Office holiday parties will be mandatory (half-assed office
parties will be considered very distasteful)
3.Roundhouse Day (March 10 - Chuck Norris’s Birthday) is to be
observed in the style of St. Patrick’s Day/Mardi Gras with beads awarded for
roundhouse kicks and Chuck Norris-isms
4.Ren Faire Day (Begins Midsummer’s Eve) – Ren Faire geeks will
no longer have to trek to their state’s Ren Faire; Ren Faires will be held in
major cities and participating towns
5.Bi-Annual Taco Festival
6.Tonys Night = Oscars Night
7.Hug-A-Jew/Judaism Appreciation Day – Jewish food will be
prepared, movies featuring the talent of Jews (which is pretty much any movie
ever made) shall be played, Jews shall organize celebration details, Jews shall
be hugged, Jews shall not be suspected, persecuted, or criticized for being the
hard-working, educated, motivated, cultured, persevering people they are.
8.Holidays actually yield a day off… and are paid. This includes (but not limited to) Jewish
High Holy Days, Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day after
Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day,
Roundhouse Day, and Ren Faire Day
9.Solstices shall be observed with festivities and food.
If you decide you don’t like these changes, then fuck you, this is my world now!
Thought of the Day:
What's up with Conan O'Brien's face?
I just had a "meh" audition for Once Upon A Mattress last night. I think I might have psyched myself out a bit. Hopefully I'll get a callback to potentially redeem myself...
Anyway, I spent a week and a half watching videos of Carol Burnett for inspiration/research to prepare for the audition. On at least one occasion, I shed tears from excessive laughter. I wanted to share some clips of this incomparable entertainer for your enjoyment. So, enjoy!
Let's start with a montage of some of her greatest moments:
And here's her infamous Gone With The Wind Parody
(you can skip to 12:00 if you just wanna see the dress part)
This was part of my research/inspiration for Mattress (obviously)
This one is special because it puts two of the funniest people ever in the same skit.
Thank you, Carol, for being the most open, genuine, sincere, and hands-down funniest frackin' thing since Abbott & Costello. You rule!
"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." - Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
Once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties for
the past few months. I find it
interesting that I feel such guilt about it since no one really reads this
thing anyway. I mean, I have plenty of
thoughts and should write them down
because if I try and articulate them, I usually end up crying or sounding like
an incompetent, emotionally unstable child.
Seriously, I think I sound pretty intelligent, and sometimes even
occasionally clever, when I say stuff in my head. But somewhere between my cerebrum and my
pie-hole, my lucid logic somehow turns to “goo-goo ga-ga.” So why do I continue
sporadically filling this blank screen with nigh-witty nonsense that no one
reads and send it into the vast universe for everyone to read? Cranial sanity, I suppose…
Well, back to the Lonely Blog drawing board! I’m thinking about changing the name of this
thing; I don’t share too many of my “adventures” on it, so it doesn’t really
make too much sense. Plus, I’m pretty
sure my mother skims this thing from time to time, so I don’t think she
wants/needs to know about my legendary status among the Midwestern truck stops
and my penchant for Somali pirates. However,
I do take pride in my dorkiness. On the
other hand, my man insists that the term “dork” is a derogatory term that
insults one’s intelligence. On the other other hand, I underplay my
intelligence quite a lot, so in essence, that indeed validates me as a
self-proclaimed dork… on the other other
other hand, (there are a plethora of hands around here), a dork is slang for a
whale’s penis and I definitely don’t want to be associated with that… I wonder
how many people didn’t want to be associated with San Diego after Ron Burgundy
enlightened us with its real translation...
Maybe I’ll name it something in reference to the fact that
nobody reads it. BRILLIANT!!
I finally thought of a subject that everyone can identify
with: Birthdays. Everyone’s got a
birthday. Everyone’s got their own
opinion about birthdays. You may hate
them or love them. You may revel in the
obligatory attention paid to you on that one day of the year when you are the
true star. You may dread birthdays as a
cruel, painful reminder from God that you are now one year closer to death. You may not even remember it’s your birthday
until Facebook reminds everyone else to remind you.
My birthday is about a week and a half away. And I like birthdays. What’s not to like about free dinner, free
cake, and some presents? But it’s
interesting how I can manage to take a concept as basic as birthdays and
overanalyze it to a pulp. I am the
biggest stage-hog alive, but my hogginess is only limited to the stage. Unless I’m performing, I loathe people
gathering around and watching me have fun.
I like showering attention on other people and watching them have fun,
but the thought of a bunch of people gathering around and singing “Happy Birthday”
to me makes me cringe. It’s
intimidating, if you think about it. One
time, I was at a Hard Rock Café with some friends. I went to the bathroom and
when I came back, they had told the waitress it was my birthday (it
wasn’t). She pulled me to the middle of
the restaurant and made me stand on a chair while the whole restaurant sang
Happy Birthday to me. I hated it. I
didn’t go to the bathroom in their company for a long time after that. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort and
affection, but I don’t like being the center of attention unless I’m commanding
it. It’s weird.
Unlike the winter gift-giving holidays, the gift giving on birthdays are usually pretty
one-sided. I feel like a freeloader when
I get all these gifts and I don’t have to give anything. I’m pretty confident that people like me are
the ones who invented party favors; people who feel so awkward about not giving
anything while they’re being showered with love and gifts, they have to give at
least a little something out of some internal guilt.
This year, I vow to not internalize the mechanics of
birthdays and just enjoy myself. I’ve
got a birthday weekend lined up with the boyfriend, who knows of my aversion to
being fussed over, so I’m covered there. I also vow to ask for what I want this year.
Not so much gift-wise (see below), but I think I’m too passive for my own
good. I need to pull on the Bitch Boots
every once and a while. It’s good to be
assertive and I need some practice. I’ll
start with the following request… nay, requirement, for my family: This year for my birthday dinner, I wish to
eat at Joe’s Crab Shack and receive some baked good made with funfetti.
Afterthought:
I think the Birthday Person’s mother
deserves some kind of shout out each year too for squeezing your sorry ass out of
her vagina after lugging you around
for 9 months. So this April 21, I thank
you, Mother! ....And thanks for spotting the typo!!!
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
I was just thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know!) about, of
all things, mate-attracting rituals. Just about every group of species on this
rock we live on has some procedure they instinctively carry out in order to
attract a partner, be it for recreation or reproduction. But seriously, there are some
really weird rituals out there these animals do, purely on instinct! Some puff themselves up and perform
elaborate dances, some present gifts, some butt their heads into each other,
some roar and make menacing gesticulations, some release their sperm out into
the ocean, some just hop on and start humping…
Mate selection is achieved by two main methods:
1 .The
animal primps, adorns, struts, and presents itself to be attractive to the
desired mate.
2 .The
animal attacks the shit out of any rivals vying for the desired mate.
I find it interesting that in almost every case of mate
selection protocol, in almost every type of mammal, reptile, amphibian, bird,
fish, and invertebrate, it almost always seems to be the male of the species
that performs the mating dance or the pebble presentation or the “cock-fight.” It is the male that presents all its
plumage and aggression and effort to the female’s judgment.
I’m not sure how I feel about this fact of nature, for
humans are to be included in this observation too. Part of me feels flattered. My gender is so sought after
that almost all species have these extravagant methods males instinctively
perform to attract us. However,
another (stronger) part of me has a feeling that it’s not so much my gender
that’s so sought after, but merely the physical attributes of my gender (aka-
my va-jay-jay) and those males are lucky we don’t make them do more than some
stupid bird dance to get into our pants.
Ever since humans decided they were the smartest beings on
the planet (however, according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, they are actually the third most intelligent,
surpassed by mice and dolphins), men have had a particularly difficult time appealing to
females as an appropriate mate.
When selecting a mate, the female has to consider factors like
hunting/gathering skills, security and safety provision, and potential gene
contribution to her future offspring.
I think human males have a tougher time these days, not just because
they typically have to appear attractive sexually as well as emotionally to
have a chance with a female (a challenging task, indeed!), but also because one
of the most effective human male mating rituals has slowly deteriorated from
our species: Chivalry.
Author Kenelm
Henry Digby offers the
following definition: “Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state
of mind which disposes men to heroic actions, and keeps them conversant with
all that is beautiful and sublime in the intellectual and moral world.”
I’m of the impression that chivalry is the ongoing mating
dance of the human male species.
Men have to keep dancing pretty much until they die if they want to hold
on to their mate and keep her impressed. Of course, these days, when you think “chivalry,” you think dudes in shining armor on a
horse with a sword, assisting some otherwise helpless young maiden. I’m not saying a guy should be expected
to throw his coat on a puddle for a lady or slap someone in the face with a
glove and challenge them to a duel for her “honor.” But making a practice of holding a door (for anyone; it’s
polite) or just treating a
female like she’s more than a humpable piece of meat is a good step in the
right direction. An act that makes
any person feel respected and appreciated as a person is my personal definition
of “Chivalry 2.0.”
In today’s world of liberated, ambitious women who often
need to step on a few testicles to be taken seriously, chivalry is often forced
to the backseat and assumed dead.
I say not so! It's tough for guys to determine that fine line between sexism and chivalry. It's not like the old days when courting was a formal process and you were allowed to physically assault your mate after you've legally snagged her. But that doesn't mean charm and suave need to be shut off entirely in order to not piss off the ladies. Though the art of manliness has changed over time, the basic
idea of a stand-up guy who respects and values women and does things every now
and then to let her know is more attractive to me than
any musk I’ve smelled.
Quote of the Day: "You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
Most people with aspirations of world domination dream of
anarchy or being ruling master or money.
I think if I were to achieve the difficult task of world domination, I
would run the planet in a totally different fashion than popularly
envisioned. I would establish a
minimal-government democracy, where everyone is acknowledged and, if not
accepted, tolerated. Education,
harmony, and cooperation to achieve universal progress would be my world’s
highest-held values. To keep
government minimal, pay grades usually bestowed to government positions shall
be swapped with pay grades usually bestowed to positions in the arts and
education (i.e. educators and artists would earn the big bucks while
politicians earn scraps). Also,
credit shall be limited as a last resort.
If you don’t have money, you don’t spend it.
I shan’t throw the word “peace” around too heavily because
in my Camelot-esque dominated planet, I realize that people are not going to
always feel peaceful towards each other.
But dammit, there will be civility between parties! I do believe we are capable of
co-existing and agreeing to disagree without killing each other. Why we feel that we can’t is still a
mystery to me. I’m not saying
everyone has to like each other (though that would be nice!) or even get along,
but a strict policy of civil, cordial, leave-each-other-the-fuck-alone behavior
will be enforced.
If relative harmony is breached at any point, all involved
parties shall elect one leader each to have a contained slug-out match in their
local town square (NOTE: In scheduling aforementioned slug-outs, events of
festivity, observance, and/or *insert medical condition* awareness take
precedence in local town squares).
These slug-outs shall be orchestrated following all but the first two
rules of Fight Club. Once a winner is announced, his or her
party is deemed the victor and the subject in question is then forever
closed. If discord is still
present, both parties shall face jail time and heavy fines, according to the
severity of their actions. There
shall be no death penalty, but those who are sentenced to life will wish there
was a death penalty (use your imagination). Should large parties (i.e. world nations or religious
groups) attempt malicious violence and, potentially, homicide against each
other, all who wish to participate shall be shipped to their choice of 3 remote
locations undesirable to human habitation for a mass slug-out:
A.The Sahara Desert
B.A “Conflict” Base erected solely for mass slug-outs in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean
C.Pluto
I think it’s interesting that Camelot worked beautifully up
until someone decided it wasn’t enough to live well with others and be part of
a society of fellowship and ideology.
It seems that civility and non-violent conflict resolution can exist until someone gets greedy. When people spend all their time and
energy on hating on someone else, that’s when bad things happen. Take all these Middle Eastern nutjobs
who do nothing but blow themselves up for some supposed heavenly reward and
hate all things not Muslim because an ancient book (apparently) says so. Or those Bible thumpers who go around
shouting that you’re wrong for accepting certain things (also a result of an
ancient book. Interesting…). Do you see anything useful come from
these people? Do you see them
creating any works of art or technology or architecture or engineering? Do you see contributing anything useful
to society? No, they just sit
around and pontificate about God-knows-what. I personally don’t have the time or energy to
sit around hating and coveting and carrying a grudge. I’ve got much better things to do. I realize it’s hard for people to get back up when life
kicks them or they’re born into a world of strife and harshness, but standing
on a street corner with a cardboard sign and yelling to the world that you
deserve better isn’t helping.
Or maybe I’m the one who’s got it all wrong. Maybe everyone else is right to be cold
and bitter and ignorant and standoffish to anything different. Maybe we should all feel entitled to
what we don’t deserve or aren’t willing to work for. I know that’s the way it is and has been for a hell of a
long time. But even if it means being taken advantage of, I intend to set an
example and open myself to things I may not understand or even like if it means
coming away with a positive, enlightening experience. So to all those stuck up bastards who think you’re above
something because of who you are/aren’t, fuck you!
Aside from establishing a cordial, enlightened, industrious
planet, I also decree a few national/federal holidays and changes to the
average work schedule to be implemented:
1.4 Day Work Week - 3rd day off is up to the employee
2.Office holiday parties will be mandatory (half-assed office
parties will be considered very distasteful)
3.Roundhouse Day (March 10 - Chuck Norris’s Birthday) is to be
observed in the style of St. Patrick’s Day/Mardi Gras with beads awarded for
roundhouse kicks and Chuck Norris-isms
4.Ren Faire Day (Begins Midsummer’s Eve) – Ren Faire geeks will
no longer have to trek to their state’s Ren Faire; Ren Faires will be held in
major cities and participating towns
5.Bi-Annual Taco Festival
6.Tonys Night = Oscars Night
7.Hug-A-Jew/Judaism Appreciation Day – Jewish food will be
prepared, movies featuring the talent of Jews (which is pretty much any movie
ever made) shall be played, Jews shall organize celebration details, Jews shall
be hugged, Jews shall not be suspected, persecuted, or criticized for being the
hard-working, educated, motivated, cultured, persevering people they are.
8.Holidays actually yield a day off… and are paid. This includes (but not limited to) Jewish
High Holy Days, Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day after
Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day,
Roundhouse Day, and Ren Faire Day
9.Solstices shall be observed with festivities and food.
If you decide you don’t like these changes, then fuck you, this is my world now!
