Midair Piggy Back Rides and Sweaty, Partially Nude, Hot People

Quote of the Day
"To lose a husband or a lover or two during one's lifetime can be vexing.... but to lose one's teeth is a catastrophe." - Mme. Armfeldt, A Little Night Music

I saw a rather disturbing, yet highly amusing commercial last night for the newest fragrance set to hit the shelves next month: Justin Bieber's Someday

So what we have here is a pre-pubescent girl, particularly her neck, getting molested by a very lethargic Justin Bieber. He then proceeds to take her on a celestial piggy back ride (still lethargic) while it looks like their wire harnesses are getting ridiculously tangled. He (and his gay-ass purple sneakers) finally restores the preteen to her bedroom for another neck-sniffing session as she spritzes on some more of his fragrance with a huge-ass flower for a lid.

Now I realize that this is probably one of the most G-rated perfume commercials you're ever going to get, but it's definitely not the most disturbing or nonsensical. You see, all fragrance commercials require a few things:

1. They must make absolutely no sense.

2. They must be sexual
- Usually including:

A. Heavy breathing
B. Making out or sexual touching
C. Lustful staring
D. Wetness: people are either extremely sweaty or submerged in water
E. Various levels of partial nudity by people with bodies that would make Adonis weep.

3. Any 30-second story line they many have come up with must NOT relate to perfume except for when the image of the bottle flashes on the screen at the end.

I've provided a few examples to back my research. First we have a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana's Light Blue.



Case in point. We have 95% nudity (extra points for white and wet attire), heavy petting, making out, washboard abs, and some very nice lustful staring. The message here is that if you buy this expensive fragrance, you too can be a beautiful, scantily clad supermodel making out with an equally beautiful, scantily clad supermodel by the pristine ocean.

Next we have Dior's Midnight Poison, starring Bond girl, Eva Green. I forgot to mention that there is a second type of fragrance commercial. Though usually still sexually charged, the second type typically entails a beautiful woman running around in a huge, asset-revealing ball gown.... and that's it.

And now I bring you a few example of the "wet" themed commercials. First, we have the lustful staring and ejaculation references. If that doesn't make me want to spritz on some perfume, I don't know what does!

I think the message of this commercial is pretty basic: use this perfume, and you'll climax.

And finally, we have Beyoncé's Heat. I think this is the only time that someone can appear to be walking around a sauna, yet still look damn saxy! Reminder folks, it's ALL makeup!

Yes folks, use this perfume, and you'll be sexy, beautiful, desirable, and moist! Plus you'll smell like Beyoncé! And who doesn't want that?

....and just for fun, we have the original queen of zany perfume ads, Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. R.I.P., Liz!!

So go out into the word and buy yourself some self-assuring fragrant spray!

The Rapture's On Saturday At 6.... Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Snapple Fact #705: Every ton of recycled paper saves about 17 trees.

In case you're just joining us, there's a new development in the race of Bible-thumping wackos. According to Family Radio evangelist, Harold Camping, the "Rapture" will occur this Saturday, May 21, 2011. On that day, Jesus will return to Earth (yay!) and set the Judgement Day, a five-month count down to the end of the world, into motion (for those of you keeping count, that would be October 21, 2011). Those who are saved will be taken up to heaven, and those who aren’t will endure unspeakable suffering. Earthquakes will ravage the Earth and come October 21, the entire world will be kaput. Here is Camping's concrete, evident proof that this shit will indeed go down:

According to Camping, the number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "Heaven".

Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.

If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.

The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.

51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.

(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

Thus, Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a "story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we're completely saved."

Well that just sucks, don't it? Now I'm at a loss because I honestly don't know the difference between the Rapture, the Judgement Day, and the Apocalypse. I spent 10-minute intervals on Wikipedia trying to figure it out at work today! I only got more confused. Christians (when I say Christians, I include all Christ worshipping people; Catholics and Protestants etc. too) seem to be very good at confusing me. If I preached about love and got some disciples, only to later be turned over to some other dudes who beat me up and killed me, why would I come back to this stupid rock again? So that's almost three strikes right there for me: Ignorance, Blasphemy, and...... well, I'm Jewish and we're always the first to go, so there.


I definitely believe that we are all karma's bitch; you do wrong and the Universe will surely somehow bite you in the ass someday. However, I dont know how much I personally invest in the whole eternity and afterlife concept. Lemmie see if I've got this straight: We are condemned to spend all of eternity in either eternal punishment or eternal paradise (especially since the pope ruled out purgatory, so we don't even get a waiting room anymore)? Think about this: Milk and honey or fire and brimstone F-O-R-E-V-E-R, just based on that eensy-teensy blip of time we spend on this insignificant rock of ours? That sounds just a little extreme to me.

And another thing, God has just one guy (I believe the goyim refer to him as St. Peter) decide who gets to get in to Heaven? Talk about sucky jobs! I can't even begin to describe the myriad shades of gray in that whole debacle! So he's like Santa, right? Deciding who's naughty and nice enough for eternal paradise. I can see why the Judgement "Day" would take 5 months. We've got a lot of people living here! Hence my confusion here. Why does Jesus need to come back at all if we've got St. Peter with the clipboard checking off the "Saved" or "Screwed" boxes? Or if Jesus has to come again, what's St. Peter supposed to do? Or is St. Peter more like the Heavenly Inn concierge? Does he just stand at the pearly gates to welcome people? I don't frackin' know....

Well lucky for us, this Camping dude's been wrong before. He previously (and incorrectly) predicted that the world would end in 1994. He chalked that one up to a "numerical error." Uh-huh. But just in case you're still worried about your pets not getting into heaven (I don't know the rules about this one AT ALL, but it doesn't look too likely that Fluffy's got a soul), the atheists have you covered!

God Bless and see you all (or not) on Sunday!

I feel like shit and my stomach hurts.

Quote of the Day:
"I'm glad he's single, 'cause I'm gonna climb that like a tree." - Megan, Bridesmaids


I was going to have this massive venting session about some things that I'm currently very upset about, but my stellar boyfriend changed my mind. Yes, my man is controlling. He is the metaphorical slap upside the head and encouraging, "Don't be stupid, you already know the answer!" (DISCLAIMER: That slap upside the head remark is a JOKE. No physical harm has come to me via my boyfriend..... except for that time when he accidentally sat on my wrist. That actually kinda hurt). However, I will say this:

It's not going to be easy. I have been and will soon more than ever be pulled in two very different directions. There will probably be many more tears and many more nights of "Why does it have to be so hard?" But I have to be strong and say fuck you to some people, even though I really don't want to. Some things I once treasured (and I'll always treasure the memories) have been lost and no matter what may go down in the future, it's never going to be the same. People fuck up and people change. I've changed. I won't be a sidekick or a mindless lemming anymore. Even Robin, who had a pretty sweet gig with Batman, had to eventually leave the bat cave to come into his own (something about a Nightwing? I don't know his story...)

My man has once again coaxed me from the ledge of utter emotional insanity. I am breathing in, I am breathing out, I'm letting it go, and I am going to be happy.

Who's Your B-way Doppleganger?

Quote of the Day:
"I'm as moist as a snack cake down there, and I'm gonna make your pinky all stinky!" - Jerri Blank, Strangers With Candy

My dad called me up the other day with one of his fun Broadway assignments. Normally, he wants to know some pointless B-way trivia (my specialty), like what show some song is from or who played the original lead in this or what year that came out.... But this time, he came to me with a somewhat deeper assignment. He concluded that of all the epic characters created for musical theatre, the one that he relates to the most is Tateh from the epic Ragtime. Tateh is a devout Jew and mensch; hardworking, industrious, and totally wrapped around the finger of his little girl. I see the connection! So Dad asked me to take my time and decide among all the fantabulous characters of the stage who I resemble the most. A worthy challenge indeed!

Now, you must understand that this is the kind of pointless shit I live for. If there was a career based on knowing obscure information about the Great White Way, I'd be a flippin' millionaire by now! Seriously, hit me with your best shot, readers (or reader)! Ask me ANYTHING! I eat up anything Broadway-related like a fat kid devours cake! Anyway, I began to scour my endless library of musical soundtracks for inspiration to find my Broadway doppleganger.

It did indeed take me a while, but I eventually went with Fanny Brice from Funny Girl (see runner-ups below).

After much deliberation and swapping with my first runner up, I decided on the character immortalized by the equally immortal Barbra Streisand. It was also, not surprisingly, my dad's first choice for me. Fanny Brice is incapable of fitting in, physically or socially, simply because she's too damn special; but she finds her true calling in comedy. While surrounded by countless Follies Barbie clones, she stands out by being funny, witty, and genuine. She can smile and belt through her tears if she has a stage. She finds a man who falls for her unconventionality; she doesn't give that love up easily nor allow naysayers to bring her down. In a world where nothing, even love, is sure, Fanny knows that the stage will always be her soul, home, friend, and salvation.


Broadway Doppleganger Runner-ups:

Elphaba from Wicked - High-spirited, stubborn, non-conformist, and quirky. Elphaba was the first character I thought of as a potential doppleganger. She has no qualms about her inability to fit in physically or internally. Though she is physically incapable of being normal, she refuses to join the groupthink even if she could be. However, I found her to be a little too serious and left-wing to be my doppleganger.

Charlie Brown from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown - Green, simplistic, Average Joe, desires little more than acceptance from his friends (who don't always respect him) and for his kite to fly. He is the tragic victim of Murphy's Law, but refuses to give up. He gets nothing but rocks for Halloween, but still goes out every year with hope! I ended up not choosing Charlie mainly because he's a little young to be my doppleganger and I don't have a dog. I also wasn't sure if male characters applied to my dad's assignment, so yeah.

Belle from Beauty & the Beast - Hungry for knowledge and substance outside her immediate surroundings, doesn't settle for what others think is best for her, sees through a person's appearance to the mind and soul, and has a great relationship with her dad. She's got a sharp tongue and will not be exploited. But Belle is a lauded conventional beauty and ingenue, which I acknowledge that I never have been nor ever will be. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I can't really relate with the whole blushing beauty thing.

The first runner up: Marian "the Librarian" Paroo from The Music Man - Independent, guarded, and willful, Marian is a modern woman who has no patience for bullshit, even though it unfortunately abounds in her priggish hometown. She is popularly misconstrued as conceited and frigid, as she dismisses almost every romantic advance that comes her way. But it is only when Harold Hill comes to town that she begins to come to life. She does not desire to be treated like a goddess or a princess, so when a man of substance with something intelligent to say treats her with respect like an equal human being, she falls hard. It was very difficult to choose between Marian and Fanny. I love that Marian doesn't settle or take the easy way when she's surrounded by people who do just that. She's a bold lady!

So there you have it folks, my Broadway doppleganger. Now it's your turn...... except you don't have to use musical theatre. You can use film & tv if you want. I wanna know, who's your entertainment soulmate?????