In case you're just joining us, there's a new development in the race of Bible-thumping wackos. According to Family Radio evangelist, Harold Camping, the "Rapture" will occur this Saturday, May 21, 2011. On that day, Jesus will return to Earth (yay!) and set the Judgement Day, a five-month count down to the end of the world, into motion (for those of you keeping count, that would be October 21, 2011). Those who are saved will be taken up to heaven, and those who aren’t will endure unspeakable suffering. Earthquakes will ravage the Earth and come October 21, the entire world will be kaput. Here is Camping's concrete, evident proof that this shit will indeed go down:
According to Camping, the number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "Heaven".
Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Thus, Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a "story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we're completely saved."
Well that just sucks, don't it? Now I'm at a loss because I honestly don't know the difference between the Rapture, the Judgement Day, and the Apocalypse. I spent 10-minute intervals on Wikipedia trying to figure it out at work today! I only got more confused. Christians (when I say Christians, I include all Christ worshipping people; Catholics and Protestants etc. too) seem to be very good at confusing me. If I preached about love and got some disciples, only to later be turned over to some other dudes who beat me up and killed me, why would I come back to this stupid rock again? So that's almost three strikes right there for me: Ignorance, Blasphemy, and...... well, I'm Jewish and we're always the first to go, so there.
I definitely believe that we are all karma's bitch; you do wrong and the Universe will surely somehow bite you in the ass someday. However, I dont know how much I personally invest in the whole eternity and afterlife concept. Lemmie see if I've got this straight: We are condemned to spend all of eternity in either eternal punishment or eternal paradise (especially since the pope ruled out purgatory, so we don't even get a waiting room anymore)? Think about this: Milk and honey or fire and brimstone F-O-R-E-V-E-R, just based on that eensy-teensy blip of time we spend on this insignificant rock of ours? That sounds just a little extreme to me.
And another thing, God has just one guy (I believe the goyim refer to him as St. Peter) decide who gets to get in to Heaven? Talk about sucky jobs! I can't even begin to describe the myriad shades of gray in that whole debacle! So he's like Santa, right? Deciding who's naughty and nice enough for eternal paradise. I can see why the Judgement "Day" would take 5 months. We've got a lot of people living here! Hence my confusion here. Why does Jesus need to come back at all if we've got St. Peter with the clipboard checking off the "Saved" or "Screwed" boxes? Or if Jesus has to come again, what's St. Peter supposed to do? Or is St. Peter more like the Heavenly Inn concierge? Does he just stand at the pearly gates to welcome people? I don't frackin' know....
Well lucky for us, this Camping dude's been wrong before. He previously (and incorrectly) predicted that the world would end in 1994. He chalked that one up to a "numerical error." Uh-huh. But just in case you're still worried about your pets not getting into heaven (I don't know the rules about this one AT ALL, but it doesn't look too likely that Fluffy's got a soul), the atheists have you covered!
God Bless and see you all (or not) on Sunday!
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