Thought of the Day:
What's up with Conan O'Brien's face?
I just had a "meh" audition for Once Upon A Mattress last night. I think I might have psyched myself out a bit. Hopefully I'll get a callback to potentially redeem myself...
Anyway, I spent a week and a half watching videos of Carol Burnett for inspiration/research to prepare for the audition. On at least one occasion, I shed tears from excessive laughter. I wanted to share some clips of this incomparable entertainer for your enjoyment. So, enjoy!
Let's start with a montage of some of her greatest moments:
And here's her infamous Gone With The Wind Parody
(you can skip to 12:00 if you just wanna see the dress part)
This was part of my research/inspiration for Mattress (obviously)
This one is special because it puts two of the funniest people ever in the same skit.
Thank you, Carol, for being the most open, genuine, sincere, and hands-down funniest frackin' thing since Abbott & Costello. You rule!
"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." - Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
Once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties for
the past few months. I find it
interesting that I feel such guilt about it since no one really reads this
thing anyway. I mean, I have plenty of
thoughts and should write them down
because if I try and articulate them, I usually end up crying or sounding like
an incompetent, emotionally unstable child.
Seriously, I think I sound pretty intelligent, and sometimes even
occasionally clever, when I say stuff in my head. But somewhere between my cerebrum and my
pie-hole, my lucid logic somehow turns to “goo-goo ga-ga.” So why do I continue
sporadically filling this blank screen with nigh-witty nonsense that no one
reads and send it into the vast universe for everyone to read? Cranial sanity, I suppose…
Well, back to the Lonely Blog drawing board! I’m thinking about changing the name of this
thing; I don’t share too many of my “adventures” on it, so it doesn’t really
make too much sense. Plus, I’m pretty
sure my mother skims this thing from time to time, so I don’t think she
wants/needs to know about my legendary status among the Midwestern truck stops
and my penchant for Somali pirates. However,
I do take pride in my dorkiness. On the
other hand, my man insists that the term “dork” is a derogatory term that
insults one’s intelligence. On the other other hand, I underplay my
intelligence quite a lot, so in essence, that indeed validates me as a
self-proclaimed dork… on the other other
other hand, (there are a plethora of hands around here), a dork is slang for a
whale’s penis and I definitely don’t want to be associated with that… I wonder
how many people didn’t want to be associated with San Diego after Ron Burgundy
enlightened us with its real translation...
Maybe I’ll name it something in reference to the fact that
nobody reads it. BRILLIANT!!
I finally thought of a subject that everyone can identify
with: Birthdays. Everyone’s got a
birthday. Everyone’s got their own
opinion about birthdays. You may hate
them or love them. You may revel in the
obligatory attention paid to you on that one day of the year when you are the
true star. You may dread birthdays as a
cruel, painful reminder from God that you are now one year closer to death. You may not even remember it’s your birthday
until Facebook reminds everyone else to remind you.
My birthday is about a week and a half away. And I like birthdays. What’s not to like about free dinner, free
cake, and some presents? But it’s
interesting how I can manage to take a concept as basic as birthdays and
overanalyze it to a pulp. I am the
biggest stage-hog alive, but my hogginess is only limited to the stage. Unless I’m performing, I loathe people
gathering around and watching me have fun.
I like showering attention on other people and watching them have fun,
but the thought of a bunch of people gathering around and singing “Happy Birthday”
to me makes me cringe. It’s
intimidating, if you think about it. One
time, I was at a Hard Rock Café with some friends. I went to the bathroom and
when I came back, they had told the waitress it was my birthday (it
wasn’t). She pulled me to the middle of
the restaurant and made me stand on a chair while the whole restaurant sang
Happy Birthday to me. I hated it. I
didn’t go to the bathroom in their company for a long time after that. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort and
affection, but I don’t like being the center of attention unless I’m commanding
it. It’s weird.
Unlike the winter gift-giving holidays, the gift giving on birthdays are usually pretty
one-sided. I feel like a freeloader when
I get all these gifts and I don’t have to give anything. I’m pretty confident that people like me are
the ones who invented party favors; people who feel so awkward about not giving
anything while they’re being showered with love and gifts, they have to give at
least a little something out of some internal guilt.
This year, I vow to not internalize the mechanics of
birthdays and just enjoy myself. I’ve
got a birthday weekend lined up with the boyfriend, who knows of my aversion to
being fussed over, so I’m covered there. I also vow to ask for what I want this year.
Not so much gift-wise (see below), but I think I’m too passive for my own
good. I need to pull on the Bitch Boots
every once and a while. It’s good to be
assertive and I need some practice. I’ll
start with the following request… nay, requirement, for my family: This year for my birthday dinner, I wish to
eat at Joe’s Crab Shack and receive some baked good made with funfetti.
Afterthought:
I think the Birthday Person’s mother
deserves some kind of shout out each year too for squeezing your sorry ass out of
her vagina after lugging you around
for 9 months. So this April 21, I thank
you, Mother! ....And thanks for spotting the typo!!!
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
I was just thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know!) about, of
all things, mate-attracting rituals. Just about every group of species on this
rock we live on has some procedure they instinctively carry out in order to
attract a partner, be it for recreation or reproduction. But seriously, there are some
really weird rituals out there these animals do, purely on instinct! Some puff themselves up and perform
elaborate dances, some present gifts, some butt their heads into each other,
some roar and make menacing gesticulations, some release their sperm out into
the ocean, some just hop on and start humping…
Mate selection is achieved by two main methods:
1 .The
animal primps, adorns, struts, and presents itself to be attractive to the
desired mate.
2 .The
animal attacks the shit out of any rivals vying for the desired mate.
I find it interesting that in almost every case of mate
selection protocol, in almost every type of mammal, reptile, amphibian, bird,
fish, and invertebrate, it almost always seems to be the male of the species
that performs the mating dance or the pebble presentation or the “cock-fight.” It is the male that presents all its
plumage and aggression and effort to the female’s judgment.
I’m not sure how I feel about this fact of nature, for
humans are to be included in this observation too. Part of me feels flattered. My gender is so sought after
that almost all species have these extravagant methods males instinctively
perform to attract us. However,
another (stronger) part of me has a feeling that it’s not so much my gender
that’s so sought after, but merely the physical attributes of my gender (aka-
my va-jay-jay) and those males are lucky we don’t make them do more than some
stupid bird dance to get into our pants.
Ever since humans decided they were the smartest beings on
the planet (however, according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, they are actually the third most intelligent,
surpassed by mice and dolphins), men have had a particularly difficult time appealing to
females as an appropriate mate.
When selecting a mate, the female has to consider factors like
hunting/gathering skills, security and safety provision, and potential gene
contribution to her future offspring.
I think human males have a tougher time these days, not just because
they typically have to appear attractive sexually as well as emotionally to
have a chance with a female (a challenging task, indeed!), but also because one
of the most effective human male mating rituals has slowly deteriorated from
our species: Chivalry.
Author Kenelm
Henry Digby offers the
following definition: “Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state
of mind which disposes men to heroic actions, and keeps them conversant with
all that is beautiful and sublime in the intellectual and moral world.”
I’m of the impression that chivalry is the ongoing mating
dance of the human male species.
Men have to keep dancing pretty much until they die if they want to hold
on to their mate and keep her impressed. Of course, these days, when you think “chivalry,” you think dudes in shining armor on a
horse with a sword, assisting some otherwise helpless young maiden. I’m not saying a guy should be expected
to throw his coat on a puddle for a lady or slap someone in the face with a
glove and challenge them to a duel for her “honor.” But making a practice of holding a door (for anyone; it’s
polite) or just treating a
female like she’s more than a humpable piece of meat is a good step in the
right direction. An act that makes
any person feel respected and appreciated as a person is my personal definition
of “Chivalry 2.0.”
In today’s world of liberated, ambitious women who often
need to step on a few testicles to be taken seriously, chivalry is often forced
to the backseat and assumed dead.
I say not so! It's tough for guys to determine that fine line between sexism and chivalry. It's not like the old days when courting was a formal process and you were allowed to physically assault your mate after you've legally snagged her. But that doesn't mean charm and suave need to be shut off entirely in order to not piss off the ladies. Though the art of manliness has changed over time, the basic
idea of a stand-up guy who respects and values women and does things every now
and then to let her know is more attractive to me than
any musk I’ve smelled.
Quote of the Day: "You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
Most people with aspirations of world domination dream of
anarchy or being ruling master or money.
I think if I were to achieve the difficult task of world domination, I
would run the planet in a totally different fashion than popularly
envisioned. I would establish a
minimal-government democracy, where everyone is acknowledged and, if not
accepted, tolerated. Education,
harmony, and cooperation to achieve universal progress would be my world’s
highest-held values. To keep
government minimal, pay grades usually bestowed to government positions shall
be swapped with pay grades usually bestowed to positions in the arts and
education (i.e. educators and artists would earn the big bucks while
politicians earn scraps). Also,
credit shall be limited as a last resort.
If you don’t have money, you don’t spend it.
I shan’t throw the word “peace” around too heavily because
in my Camelot-esque dominated planet, I realize that people are not going to
always feel peaceful towards each other.
But dammit, there will be civility between parties! I do believe we are capable of
co-existing and agreeing to disagree without killing each other. Why we feel that we can’t is still a
mystery to me. I’m not saying
everyone has to like each other (though that would be nice!) or even get along,
but a strict policy of civil, cordial, leave-each-other-the-fuck-alone behavior
will be enforced.
If relative harmony is breached at any point, all involved
parties shall elect one leader each to have a contained slug-out match in their
local town square (NOTE: In scheduling aforementioned slug-outs, events of
festivity, observance, and/or *insert medical condition* awareness take
precedence in local town squares).
These slug-outs shall be orchestrated following all but the first two
rules of Fight Club. Once a winner is announced, his or her
party is deemed the victor and the subject in question is then forever
closed. If discord is still
present, both parties shall face jail time and heavy fines, according to the
severity of their actions. There
shall be no death penalty, but those who are sentenced to life will wish there
was a death penalty (use your imagination). Should large parties (i.e. world nations or religious
groups) attempt malicious violence and, potentially, homicide against each
other, all who wish to participate shall be shipped to their choice of 3 remote
locations undesirable to human habitation for a mass slug-out:
A.The Sahara Desert
B.A “Conflict” Base erected solely for mass slug-outs in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean
C.Pluto
I think it’s interesting that Camelot worked beautifully up
until someone decided it wasn’t enough to live well with others and be part of
a society of fellowship and ideology.
It seems that civility and non-violent conflict resolution can exist until someone gets greedy. When people spend all their time and
energy on hating on someone else, that’s when bad things happen. Take all these Middle Eastern nutjobs
who do nothing but blow themselves up for some supposed heavenly reward and
hate all things not Muslim because an ancient book (apparently) says so. Or those Bible thumpers who go around
shouting that you’re wrong for accepting certain things (also a result of an
ancient book. Interesting…). Do you see anything useful come from
these people? Do you see them
creating any works of art or technology or architecture or engineering? Do you see contributing anything useful
to society? No, they just sit
around and pontificate about God-knows-what. I personally don’t have the time or energy to
sit around hating and coveting and carrying a grudge. I’ve got much better things to do. I realize it’s hard for people to get back up when life
kicks them or they’re born into a world of strife and harshness, but standing
on a street corner with a cardboard sign and yelling to the world that you
deserve better isn’t helping.
Or maybe I’m the one who’s got it all wrong. Maybe everyone else is right to be cold
and bitter and ignorant and standoffish to anything different. Maybe we should all feel entitled to
what we don’t deserve or aren’t willing to work for. I know that’s the way it is and has been for a hell of a
long time. But even if it means being taken advantage of, I intend to set an
example and open myself to things I may not understand or even like if it means
coming away with a positive, enlightening experience. So to all those stuck up bastards who think you’re above
something because of who you are/aren’t, fuck you!
Aside from establishing a cordial, enlightened, industrious
planet, I also decree a few national/federal holidays and changes to the
average work schedule to be implemented:
1.4 Day Work Week - 3rd day off is up to the employee
2.Office holiday parties will be mandatory (half-assed office
parties will be considered very distasteful)
3.Roundhouse Day (March 10 - Chuck Norris’s Birthday) is to be
observed in the style of St. Patrick’s Day/Mardi Gras with beads awarded for
roundhouse kicks and Chuck Norris-isms
4.Ren Faire Day (Begins Midsummer’s Eve) – Ren Faire geeks will
no longer have to trek to their state’s Ren Faire; Ren Faires will be held in
major cities and participating towns
5.Bi-Annual Taco Festival
6.Tonys Night = Oscars Night
7.Hug-A-Jew/Judaism Appreciation Day – Jewish food will be
prepared, movies featuring the talent of Jews (which is pretty much any movie
ever made) shall be played, Jews shall organize celebration details, Jews shall
be hugged, Jews shall not be suspected, persecuted, or criticized for being the
hard-working, educated, motivated, cultured, persevering people they are.
8.Holidays actually yield a day off… and are paid. This includes (but not limited to) Jewish
High Holy Days, Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day after
Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day,
Roundhouse Day, and Ren Faire Day
9.Solstices shall be observed with festivities and food.
If you decide you don’t like these changes, then fuck you, this is my world now!
I'd like to apologize to my multitude of readers (aka - myself) for not writing a darn word for two months. I scold myself for not being diligent and, therefore, tarnishing my writing skills. But luckily, my return coincides with a subject that's been on most minds these days: Christmastime.
I find that my attitude towards the holiday season changes each year. Some years, I’ll be a little Buddy the elf: totally stoked for everything Christmas, singing every song (except Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You and Christmas Shoes…. Fuckin’ hate those songs), decorating and baking like Martha Stewart, warmed by the spirit and cheer of the holidays, blithely swiping my charge card, and perpetually smiling (smiling’s my favorite!). And some years, I’ll be a reincarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge: despondent, moody, anti-commercialism, avoiding all family gatherings like the plague and freely expressing my bitterness when I am eventually dragged to aforementioned gatherings. Whether this mindset has anything to do with the fact that I was raised Jewish, but have ended up observing Christmas with my non-denominational mother for 20 years is up for debate.
This year, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I hear the Christmas songs and see the light displays; a pretty and festive atmosphere. But I don’t want to roll around in it, nor do I want to grumble and flee from it. It’s like walking into a rich kid’s bedroom: cool toys and bright colors and desirable swag littering the floor, but it’s just not my room. It’s not my party. And frankly, it seems a tad overblown… for any kid. Maybe the mood I’m in this year could be described as “besieged.” Looking at the holidays from the Jewish P.O.V., I see an excessive, artificial, consumerist holiday that seems to bring stress, frustration, and drama to all.
If you think about it, holidays can be pretty powerful. We franticly search for “the perfect gift” and buy and buy for this one day out of the year. Why? Because it’s Christmas. We nearly kill ourselves to make our houses look like an airplane landing strip. Why? Because it’s Christmas. *Fun Fact: According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 13,000 people were treated in the ER for Christmas related injuries last year.* We feign goodwill toward men and table manners when all we want is to get out of this awkward social confinement called “family dinner” as soon as possible. Why? Because it’s Christmas. All the major party holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July etc.) are marketed to put us in a certain mood. And though Christmas may not be the only culprit, it’s certainly the biggest hullabaloo inducer. We’re programmed to get wrapped up (no pun intended) in the holidays and to think they mean more than they do. We don’t flip out like this on George Washington’s birthday, let alone Muhammad’s (Happy Muhammadmas!).
It seems to me that when we subject ourselves to obligatory gift giving, we become convinced that expensive tangible items are the best way to show people we care. I disagree. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been more grateful to my dad than the day he came and helped me change a tire at dusk in a parking lot. I can’t remember feeling more loved by my man than the completely un-special night when he showed up at my door with flowers and a card when he heard I was having a horrible day. I think those are the most meaningful expressions of love than any big screen TV or insert-“it”-toy-of-the-year-here. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a fancy gift from time to time, but the point is that that’s not what holidays are about. The kiddies might not understand that yet, but it’s up to the parents to teach them that while they’re young so they don’t trample people to death at a Walmart on Black Friday in 30 years. The Jews always seemed to understand it. That’s why I appreciate Hanukkah and its underwear and “practical” gifts and lack of consumer crap so much.
I’m not saying Hanukkah’s better. Matter of fact, it’s a pretty lame holiday in the scope of things. Hanukkah was actually just a victim of timing; it was only picked because it was the closest Jewish holiday observance to Christmas. So we slapped a cutesy, feel-good story on an ancient war victory and tried to prop it up against an icon practically invented by Coca-Cola. You’d think the smartest, most creative people on the planet, the Jews, could come up with something with a little more pizzazz! But that turned out to be a good thing. We Jews pretty much realize how lame it is, so we don’t create all that stress and strife associated with Christmas in our minds. We just make some good food, gamble with chocolate-covered coins, and laugh about what fools these goyim be! So while you guys’ll always have that shred of guilt (at least the Catholics will) for not making Christmas remotely anything about the birth of Jesus (which is actually fitting, since he wasn’t born in December), Jews don’t have that problem because they completely fabricated their excuse to have a party!
So I guess the message I have for you listeners (aka – myself) is to remember what you’re celebrating and to make it count. Don’t let your lights or inflatable Santa (don’t even get me started on that concept) or your menu or you manipulative Gram-gram stop you from enjoying the holidays.
What about Kwanzaa, you say? Well, I’ve got no friggin’ idea what that’s all about.
Snapple Fact #673:
The average turtle can't reproduce until it's 25 years old.
Earlier this evening, my boyfriend (of 5 years!!!!!) pointed out my ability to see and appreciate things that otherwise tend to go unnoticed. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think that's a valuable skill. In a world of bankruptcy, war, politicians (in general), and sucky Eagles seasons, I find that appreciating those tiny little things make all the other shit a little more endurable. For those of you who do not naturally posses this "talent," I shall assist you with a few inspirational reflections...
Sky Appreciation Moments
When I was marching in drum corps, we always practiced late into the evening. Whenever there would be a particularly dazzling sunset, someone would yell, "Sky Appreciation Moment!!!" and we'd all gaze at the sunset together. We traveled all over the country and saw many of these. Though I haven't marched in years, I still yell out "Sky Appreciation Moment" whenever I see a striking display of sky. I think "Sky Appreciation Moment" is much more meaningful than "Look-At-The-Sky Moment" because you don't just look at the sky, and you don't just appreciate it. Yelling it for everyone to hear is an invitation for others to share the moment with you and enjoy the natural beauty of it. Give it a try sometime!
Insects
I am very easily distract- Kitty! ....What? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Anyway, I'm often distracted by all things odd, cute, fancy, fuzzy, and/or shiny. There have been many a time when my boyfriend has been in mid-sentence about God-knows-what and I will call to him, "Hey, look at this cool bug!" Do not dismiss all insects as boring, nasty, crushable bugs..... except mosquitos. I fucking HATE mosquitos..... See? Distracted again! Anyway, beautiful bugs should not be limited to butterflies and ladybugs. Many insects are actually rather stunning once you take a closer look. They're bedazzled (yeah, I said "bedazzled."What are you gonna do about it? Dammit, distracted myself again!) with different patterns, symmetries, shapes, and colors. Even the way they move and go about their buggy business can pretty lyrical. I could watch a fuzzy caterpillar climb a tree for hours (plus it probably takes several hours for one to climb a tree)!
Steam rising off a heaping plate of hot food
I just discovered this one at dinner tonight. My mom made a REALLY tasty meal of chicken, potatoes, and arguably the best broccoli in memory (Thanks again, Ma!). She brought my plate out and big wispy tendrils of steam were rising out of the food. I sat watching the steam for a few minutes, weaving and rolling off the food. It was like a translucent lyrical ribbon dance. I don't know if it made me appreciate the meal more, but I enjoyed the free entertainment!
Being Silly
Making funny faces. Saying nonsensical sayings. Falling over and being okay with it. Trust me, life's a lot more fun if you have fun. People take life too seriously and there's nothing better than a good laugh at yourself. Cuz honestly, if you can't laugh at yourself, you're gonna have some serious coping problems down the road. I think everyone needs a little Zooey Deschanel in their lives.
So I wish you well in finding things that give you pause and enjoyment each and every day. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
"If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes, I swear on my life, I'll eat his parents." - Tony the Tiger (Bo Burnham)
Snow White. Walt Disney's first full-length history maker. Family fun fairy tale of epic proportions. Pretty little princess makes friends in the forest and rides off with her prince and they all live happily ever after......
So why would I have a problem with this?
What beef have I with this innocent tale of love, jealousy, and singing vertically-challenged guys? Well, I've got some news for you. That story would not fly today. Snow White made some DUMB moves in that film that defy pretty much every mantra we've all learned since infancy. If you read between the lines, you'll find a wealth of cautionary nuggets to keep in mind. I would say Snow White teaches us how not to act if you want to get by in life, let alone get through your natural life alive!
Strangers:
Don't talk to creepy, shady strangers. Don't take food
from strangers, especially if they're creepy and/or shady. Don't let strangers into your house or, especially, a house that is NOT yours that you happen to be a guest in. Now before you defend her naiveté (yeah yeah, she's 14 years old and she's been sheltered in that castle all her life), I don't care how nice you are. You don't let a creeper that shady-looking into your house! I'm all for being kind to old people and being helpful to strangers, but if the stranger in question looks like a leper rapist trying to give you a "wishing apple" (yay dementia!), I'm sorry, but you ain't coming into my house!
Animals:
Forest animals may be cute and fluffy, but they also bite and have rabies (especially those raccoons), among other forest animal issues you may not want to experience. They are not pets and no one other than a trained professional should attempt to train them. Also, you should not attempt to touch, let alone locate the parents of a bird. They are swimming with disease and do not understand English. So picking up a lost-looking baby bird and asking where its parents are is pretty pointless.
Respect: Snow White teaches us several big Don'ts under this subject. Don't break and enter into a stranger's house. Don't bring a bunch of wild animals into said house and then rearrange all their shit. Don't leave said bunch of wild animals in the house while you go take a nap in their beds. I don't care if you've had a hard day. My car broke down on the highway in the middle of July last year and I didn't go breaking into anyone's house!
While we're on the subject, let's talk about respect not just others, but yourself as well. You're a flipping princess! Not a servant. Not a slave. If you're step mom’s got you scrubbing floors and making you wear rags, you've gotta stand up for yourself and kick her vain old ass! Plus you better be getting paid for said manual labor. Cuz' slavery's been abolished in this country for a while. So.... yeah.
Mental Health: Just in case you have absolutely no sense of right and wrong yet, killing someone because they're prettier than you is NOT okay. If you think this is an acceptable excuse for murder, you should probably check yourself into some place with padded walls. The more I think about it, the evil queen could have actually resolved her psycho dilemma very easily if she had just sat down and thought about it for a minute. Now if the queen genuinely was nuts, then I’ve got nothing for ya. But if being the fairest in the land was truly her goal, as opposed to dispatching her high-in-rank royal step daughter (see Government), it would have been much easier to just mangle her face or something, then her "fairness" would have been void. Duh! Or if the queen still found death to be ultimate answer, that's easy! Just push her into that damn well she keeps standing over!
Government: This is the most fucked up fictional kingdom in the world! I’d like to hear what the subjects and serfs have to say about all this shit! I smell a very unpleasant revolt if this is how the local monarchy plans to run things!
First, you've got a queen who invests all her wealth, power, and spare time on coming up with ways to knock off her stepdaughter. On that note, there be something fishy in Denmark! Is all this REALLY about being fairest in the land, or have we got a good old-fashioned power struggle going on here? Highly suspect if you ask me! Oh, and if someone tries to kill you,
report their ass! And royal security must have suffered some epic budget cuts or something because they suck! If there's an attempt on the life of a princess, especially if she's pretty (which we all know she is), everybody hears about it! The paparazzi has a field day every time Kate Middleton buys a new hat, but no one notices when Snow White runs into the woods and goes missing for a week? WTF?!
Secondly, a princess can't just run away and hang out with 7 guys for a week. do you have any idea how bad that looks? A) You've got an image to uphold. You can't go all Prince Harry and expect to run a smooth kingdom. B) You've got royal obligations. you've got international meetings, charity functions, diplomatic visits, ribbons to cut, and ships to break a bottle on. If other countries hear that your country has no men in immediate power (her dad died, remember?), your stepmother's psychotic and you go cavorting with a bunch of dwarves and animals in the woods (I don't judge fetishes, just keep it in the bedroom!), you're gonna be invaded and overthrown faster than you can say "usurp"!
Thirdly, your biological parents are long gone and your stepmother just died. Therefore, you are the next in line for your throne. So why is your unnamed prince riding you off to his place? You can't just leave your kingdom without an appointed ruler. That's very irresponsible.
I think the real loser in this story is that poor pig that ended up with his heart in a box. For all we know, that could have been Babe! Well, I hope you're happy. The life of a really stupid royal is spared while a harmless pig gets its prime living organ stuffed into a box, just to briefly trick a narcissistic sociopath. So basically, when you watch this family film, you should probably do exactly the opposite of everything Little Miss White does. Otherwise, you're probably gonna die somewhere along the path and be responsible for the death of innocent farm animals.
Thought of the Day:
What's up with Conan O'Brien's face?
I just had a "meh" audition for Once Upon A Mattress last night. I think I might have psyched myself out a bit. Hopefully I'll get a callback to potentially redeem myself...
Anyway, I spent a week and a half watching videos of Carol Burnett for inspiration/research to prepare for the audition. On at least one occasion, I shed tears from excessive laughter. I wanted to share some clips of this incomparable entertainer for your enjoyment. So, enjoy!
Let's start with a montage of some of her greatest moments:
And here's her infamous Gone With The Wind Parody
(you can skip to 12:00 if you just wanna see the dress part)
This was part of my research/inspiration for Mattress (obviously)
This one is special because it puts two of the funniest people ever in the same skit.
Thank you, Carol, for being the most open, genuine, sincere, and hands-down funniest frackin' thing since Abbott & Costello. You rule!
"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina." - Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
Once again, I have been neglecting my blogging duties for
the past few months. I find it
interesting that I feel such guilt about it since no one really reads this
thing anyway. I mean, I have plenty of
thoughts and should write them down
because if I try and articulate them, I usually end up crying or sounding like
an incompetent, emotionally unstable child.
Seriously, I think I sound pretty intelligent, and sometimes even
occasionally clever, when I say stuff in my head. But somewhere between my cerebrum and my
pie-hole, my lucid logic somehow turns to “goo-goo ga-ga.” So why do I continue
sporadically filling this blank screen with nigh-witty nonsense that no one
reads and send it into the vast universe for everyone to read? Cranial sanity, I suppose…
Well, back to the Lonely Blog drawing board! I’m thinking about changing the name of this
thing; I don’t share too many of my “adventures” on it, so it doesn’t really
make too much sense. Plus, I’m pretty
sure my mother skims this thing from time to time, so I don’t think she
wants/needs to know about my legendary status among the Midwestern truck stops
and my penchant for Somali pirates. However,
I do take pride in my dorkiness. On the
other hand, my man insists that the term “dork” is a derogatory term that
insults one’s intelligence. On the other other hand, I underplay my
intelligence quite a lot, so in essence, that indeed validates me as a
self-proclaimed dork… on the other other
other hand, (there are a plethora of hands around here), a dork is slang for a
whale’s penis and I definitely don’t want to be associated with that… I wonder
how many people didn’t want to be associated with San Diego after Ron Burgundy
enlightened us with its real translation...
Maybe I’ll name it something in reference to the fact that
nobody reads it. BRILLIANT!!
I finally thought of a subject that everyone can identify
with: Birthdays. Everyone’s got a
birthday. Everyone’s got their own
opinion about birthdays. You may hate
them or love them. You may revel in the
obligatory attention paid to you on that one day of the year when you are the
true star. You may dread birthdays as a
cruel, painful reminder from God that you are now one year closer to death. You may not even remember it’s your birthday
until Facebook reminds everyone else to remind you.
My birthday is about a week and a half away. And I like birthdays. What’s not to like about free dinner, free
cake, and some presents? But it’s
interesting how I can manage to take a concept as basic as birthdays and
overanalyze it to a pulp. I am the
biggest stage-hog alive, but my hogginess is only limited to the stage. Unless I’m performing, I loathe people
gathering around and watching me have fun.
I like showering attention on other people and watching them have fun,
but the thought of a bunch of people gathering around and singing “Happy Birthday”
to me makes me cringe. It’s
intimidating, if you think about it. One
time, I was at a Hard Rock Café with some friends. I went to the bathroom and
when I came back, they had told the waitress it was my birthday (it
wasn’t). She pulled me to the middle of
the restaurant and made me stand on a chair while the whole restaurant sang
Happy Birthday to me. I hated it. I
didn’t go to the bathroom in their company for a long time after that. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort and
affection, but I don’t like being the center of attention unless I’m commanding
it. It’s weird.
Unlike the winter gift-giving holidays, the gift giving on birthdays are usually pretty
one-sided. I feel like a freeloader when
I get all these gifts and I don’t have to give anything. I’m pretty confident that people like me are
the ones who invented party favors; people who feel so awkward about not giving
anything while they’re being showered with love and gifts, they have to give at
least a little something out of some internal guilt.
This year, I vow to not internalize the mechanics of
birthdays and just enjoy myself. I’ve
got a birthday weekend lined up with the boyfriend, who knows of my aversion to
being fussed over, so I’m covered there. I also vow to ask for what I want this year.
Not so much gift-wise (see below), but I think I’m too passive for my own
good. I need to pull on the Bitch Boots
every once and a while. It’s good to be
assertive and I need some practice. I’ll
start with the following request… nay, requirement, for my family: This year for my birthday dinner, I wish to
eat at Joe’s Crab Shack and receive some baked good made with funfetti.
Afterthought:
I think the Birthday Person’s mother
deserves some kind of shout out each year too for squeezing your sorry ass out of
her vagina after lugging you around
for 9 months. So this April 21, I thank
you, Mother! ....And thanks for spotting the typo!!!
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
I was just thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know!) about, of
all things, mate-attracting rituals. Just about every group of species on this
rock we live on has some procedure they instinctively carry out in order to
attract a partner, be it for recreation or reproduction. But seriously, there are some
really weird rituals out there these animals do, purely on instinct! Some puff themselves up and perform
elaborate dances, some present gifts, some butt their heads into each other,
some roar and make menacing gesticulations, some release their sperm out into
the ocean, some just hop on and start humping…
Mate selection is achieved by two main methods:
1 .The
animal primps, adorns, struts, and presents itself to be attractive to the
desired mate.
2 .The
animal attacks the shit out of any rivals vying for the desired mate.
I find it interesting that in almost every case of mate
selection protocol, in almost every type of mammal, reptile, amphibian, bird,
fish, and invertebrate, it almost always seems to be the male of the species
that performs the mating dance or the pebble presentation or the “cock-fight.” It is the male that presents all its
plumage and aggression and effort to the female’s judgment.
I’m not sure how I feel about this fact of nature, for
humans are to be included in this observation too. Part of me feels flattered. My gender is so sought after
that almost all species have these extravagant methods males instinctively
perform to attract us. However,
another (stronger) part of me has a feeling that it’s not so much my gender
that’s so sought after, but merely the physical attributes of my gender (aka-
my va-jay-jay) and those males are lucky we don’t make them do more than some
stupid bird dance to get into our pants.
Ever since humans decided they were the smartest beings on
the planet (however, according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, they are actually the third most intelligent,
surpassed by mice and dolphins), men have had a particularly difficult time appealing to
females as an appropriate mate.
When selecting a mate, the female has to consider factors like
hunting/gathering skills, security and safety provision, and potential gene
contribution to her future offspring.
I think human males have a tougher time these days, not just because
they typically have to appear attractive sexually as well as emotionally to
have a chance with a female (a challenging task, indeed!), but also because one
of the most effective human male mating rituals has slowly deteriorated from
our species: Chivalry.
Author Kenelm
Henry Digby offers the
following definition: “Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state
of mind which disposes men to heroic actions, and keeps them conversant with
all that is beautiful and sublime in the intellectual and moral world.”
I’m of the impression that chivalry is the ongoing mating
dance of the human male species.
Men have to keep dancing pretty much until they die if they want to hold
on to their mate and keep her impressed. Of course, these days, when you think “chivalry,” you think dudes in shining armor on a
horse with a sword, assisting some otherwise helpless young maiden. I’m not saying a guy should be expected
to throw his coat on a puddle for a lady or slap someone in the face with a
glove and challenge them to a duel for her “honor.” But making a practice of holding a door (for anyone; it’s
polite) or just treating a
female like she’s more than a humpable piece of meat is a good step in the
right direction. An act that makes
any person feel respected and appreciated as a person is my personal definition
of “Chivalry 2.0.”
In today’s world of liberated, ambitious women who often
need to step on a few testicles to be taken seriously, chivalry is often forced
to the backseat and assumed dead.
I say not so! It's tough for guys to determine that fine line between sexism and chivalry. It's not like the old days when courting was a formal process and you were allowed to physically assault your mate after you've legally snagged her. But that doesn't mean charm and suave need to be shut off entirely in order to not piss off the ladies. Though the art of manliness has changed over time, the basic
idea of a stand-up guy who respects and values women and does things every now
and then to let her know is more attractive to me than
any musk I’ve smelled.
Quote of the Day: "You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
Most people with aspirations of world domination dream of
anarchy or being ruling master or money.
I think if I were to achieve the difficult task of world domination, I
would run the planet in a totally different fashion than popularly
envisioned. I would establish a
minimal-government democracy, where everyone is acknowledged and, if not
accepted, tolerated. Education,
harmony, and cooperation to achieve universal progress would be my world’s
highest-held values. To keep
government minimal, pay grades usually bestowed to government positions shall
be swapped with pay grades usually bestowed to positions in the arts and
education (i.e. educators and artists would earn the big bucks while
politicians earn scraps). Also,
credit shall be limited as a last resort.
If you don’t have money, you don’t spend it.
I shan’t throw the word “peace” around too heavily because
in my Camelot-esque dominated planet, I realize that people are not going to
always feel peaceful towards each other.
But dammit, there will be civility between parties! I do believe we are capable of
co-existing and agreeing to disagree without killing each other. Why we feel that we can’t is still a
mystery to me. I’m not saying
everyone has to like each other (though that would be nice!) or even get along,
but a strict policy of civil, cordial, leave-each-other-the-fuck-alone behavior
will be enforced.
If relative harmony is breached at any point, all involved
parties shall elect one leader each to have a contained slug-out match in their
local town square (NOTE: In scheduling aforementioned slug-outs, events of
festivity, observance, and/or *insert medical condition* awareness take
precedence in local town squares).
These slug-outs shall be orchestrated following all but the first two
rules of Fight Club. Once a winner is announced, his or her
party is deemed the victor and the subject in question is then forever
closed. If discord is still
present, both parties shall face jail time and heavy fines, according to the
severity of their actions. There
shall be no death penalty, but those who are sentenced to life will wish there
was a death penalty (use your imagination). Should large parties (i.e. world nations or religious
groups) attempt malicious violence and, potentially, homicide against each
other, all who wish to participate shall be shipped to their choice of 3 remote
locations undesirable to human habitation for a mass slug-out:
A.The Sahara Desert
B.A “Conflict” Base erected solely for mass slug-outs in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean
C.Pluto
I think it’s interesting that Camelot worked beautifully up
until someone decided it wasn’t enough to live well with others and be part of
a society of fellowship and ideology.
It seems that civility and non-violent conflict resolution can exist until someone gets greedy. When people spend all their time and
energy on hating on someone else, that’s when bad things happen. Take all these Middle Eastern nutjobs
who do nothing but blow themselves up for some supposed heavenly reward and
hate all things not Muslim because an ancient book (apparently) says so. Or those Bible thumpers who go around
shouting that you’re wrong for accepting certain things (also a result of an
ancient book. Interesting…). Do you see anything useful come from
these people? Do you see them
creating any works of art or technology or architecture or engineering? Do you see contributing anything useful
to society? No, they just sit
around and pontificate about God-knows-what. I personally don’t have the time or energy to
sit around hating and coveting and carrying a grudge. I’ve got much better things to do. I realize it’s hard for people to get back up when life
kicks them or they’re born into a world of strife and harshness, but standing
on a street corner with a cardboard sign and yelling to the world that you
deserve better isn’t helping.
Or maybe I’m the one who’s got it all wrong. Maybe everyone else is right to be cold
and bitter and ignorant and standoffish to anything different. Maybe we should all feel entitled to
what we don’t deserve or aren’t willing to work for. I know that’s the way it is and has been for a hell of a
long time. But even if it means being taken advantage of, I intend to set an
example and open myself to things I may not understand or even like if it means
coming away with a positive, enlightening experience. So to all those stuck up bastards who think you’re above
something because of who you are/aren’t, fuck you!
Aside from establishing a cordial, enlightened, industrious
planet, I also decree a few national/federal holidays and changes to the
average work schedule to be implemented:
1.4 Day Work Week - 3rd day off is up to the employee
2.Office holiday parties will be mandatory (half-assed office
parties will be considered very distasteful)
3.Roundhouse Day (March 10 - Chuck Norris’s Birthday) is to be
observed in the style of St. Patrick’s Day/Mardi Gras with beads awarded for
roundhouse kicks and Chuck Norris-isms
4.Ren Faire Day (Begins Midsummer’s Eve) – Ren Faire geeks will
no longer have to trek to their state’s Ren Faire; Ren Faires will be held in
major cities and participating towns
5.Bi-Annual Taco Festival
6.Tonys Night = Oscars Night
7.Hug-A-Jew/Judaism Appreciation Day – Jewish food will be
prepared, movies featuring the talent of Jews (which is pretty much any movie
ever made) shall be played, Jews shall organize celebration details, Jews shall
be hugged, Jews shall not be suspected, persecuted, or criticized for being the
hard-working, educated, motivated, cultured, persevering people they are.
8.Holidays actually yield a day off… and are paid. This includes (but not limited to) Jewish
High Holy Days, Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day after
Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day,
Roundhouse Day, and Ren Faire Day
9.Solstices shall be observed with festivities and food.
If you decide you don’t like these changes, then fuck you, this is my world now!
I'd like to apologize to my multitude of readers (aka - myself) for not writing a darn word for two months. I scold myself for not being diligent and, therefore, tarnishing my writing skills. But luckily, my return coincides with a subject that's been on most minds these days: Christmastime.
I find that my attitude towards the holiday season changes each year. Some years, I’ll be a little Buddy the elf: totally stoked for everything Christmas, singing every song (except Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You and Christmas Shoes…. Fuckin’ hate those songs), decorating and baking like Martha Stewart, warmed by the spirit and cheer of the holidays, blithely swiping my charge card, and perpetually smiling (smiling’s my favorite!). And some years, I’ll be a reincarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge: despondent, moody, anti-commercialism, avoiding all family gatherings like the plague and freely expressing my bitterness when I am eventually dragged to aforementioned gatherings. Whether this mindset has anything to do with the fact that I was raised Jewish, but have ended up observing Christmas with my non-denominational mother for 20 years is up for debate.
This year, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I hear the Christmas songs and see the light displays; a pretty and festive atmosphere. But I don’t want to roll around in it, nor do I want to grumble and flee from it. It’s like walking into a rich kid’s bedroom: cool toys and bright colors and desirable swag littering the floor, but it’s just not my room. It’s not my party. And frankly, it seems a tad overblown… for any kid. Maybe the mood I’m in this year could be described as “besieged.” Looking at the holidays from the Jewish P.O.V., I see an excessive, artificial, consumerist holiday that seems to bring stress, frustration, and drama to all.
If you think about it, holidays can be pretty powerful. We franticly search for “the perfect gift” and buy and buy for this one day out of the year. Why? Because it’s Christmas. We nearly kill ourselves to make our houses look like an airplane landing strip. Why? Because it’s Christmas. *Fun Fact: According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 13,000 people were treated in the ER for Christmas related injuries last year.* We feign goodwill toward men and table manners when all we want is to get out of this awkward social confinement called “family dinner” as soon as possible. Why? Because it’s Christmas. All the major party holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July etc.) are marketed to put us in a certain mood. And though Christmas may not be the only culprit, it’s certainly the biggest hullabaloo inducer. We’re programmed to get wrapped up (no pun intended) in the holidays and to think they mean more than they do. We don’t flip out like this on George Washington’s birthday, let alone Muhammad’s (Happy Muhammadmas!).
It seems to me that when we subject ourselves to obligatory gift giving, we become convinced that expensive tangible items are the best way to show people we care. I disagree. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been more grateful to my dad than the day he came and helped me change a tire at dusk in a parking lot. I can’t remember feeling more loved by my man than the completely un-special night when he showed up at my door with flowers and a card when he heard I was having a horrible day. I think those are the most meaningful expressions of love than any big screen TV or insert-“it”-toy-of-the-year-here. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a fancy gift from time to time, but the point is that that’s not what holidays are about. The kiddies might not understand that yet, but it’s up to the parents to teach them that while they’re young so they don’t trample people to death at a Walmart on Black Friday in 30 years. The Jews always seemed to understand it. That’s why I appreciate Hanukkah and its underwear and “practical” gifts and lack of consumer crap so much.
I’m not saying Hanukkah’s better. Matter of fact, it’s a pretty lame holiday in the scope of things. Hanukkah was actually just a victim of timing; it was only picked because it was the closest Jewish holiday observance to Christmas. So we slapped a cutesy, feel-good story on an ancient war victory and tried to prop it up against an icon practically invented by Coca-Cola. You’d think the smartest, most creative people on the planet, the Jews, could come up with something with a little more pizzazz! But that turned out to be a good thing. We Jews pretty much realize how lame it is, so we don’t create all that stress and strife associated with Christmas in our minds. We just make some good food, gamble with chocolate-covered coins, and laugh about what fools these goyim be! So while you guys’ll always have that shred of guilt (at least the Catholics will) for not making Christmas remotely anything about the birth of Jesus (which is actually fitting, since he wasn’t born in December), Jews don’t have that problem because they completely fabricated their excuse to have a party!
So I guess the message I have for you listeners (aka – myself) is to remember what you’re celebrating and to make it count. Don’t let your lights or inflatable Santa (don’t even get me started on that concept) or your menu or you manipulative Gram-gram stop you from enjoying the holidays.
What about Kwanzaa, you say? Well, I’ve got no friggin’ idea what that’s all about.
Snapple Fact #673:
The average turtle can't reproduce until it's 25 years old.
Earlier this evening, my boyfriend (of 5 years!!!!!) pointed out my ability to see and appreciate things that otherwise tend to go unnoticed. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think that's a valuable skill. In a world of bankruptcy, war, politicians (in general), and sucky Eagles seasons, I find that appreciating those tiny little things make all the other shit a little more endurable. For those of you who do not naturally posses this "talent," I shall assist you with a few inspirational reflections...
Sky Appreciation Moments
When I was marching in drum corps, we always practiced late into the evening. Whenever there would be a particularly dazzling sunset, someone would yell, "Sky Appreciation Moment!!!" and we'd all gaze at the sunset together. We traveled all over the country and saw many of these. Though I haven't marched in years, I still yell out "Sky Appreciation Moment" whenever I see a striking display of sky. I think "Sky Appreciation Moment" is much more meaningful than "Look-At-The-Sky Moment" because you don't just look at the sky, and you don't just appreciate it. Yelling it for everyone to hear is an invitation for others to share the moment with you and enjoy the natural beauty of it. Give it a try sometime!
Insects
I am very easily distract- Kitty! ....What? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Anyway, I'm often distracted by all things odd, cute, fancy, fuzzy, and/or shiny. There have been many a time when my boyfriend has been in mid-sentence about God-knows-what and I will call to him, "Hey, look at this cool bug!" Do not dismiss all insects as boring, nasty, crushable bugs..... except mosquitos. I fucking HATE mosquitos..... See? Distracted again! Anyway, beautiful bugs should not be limited to butterflies and ladybugs. Many insects are actually rather stunning once you take a closer look. They're bedazzled (yeah, I said "bedazzled."What are you gonna do about it? Dammit, distracted myself again!) with different patterns, symmetries, shapes, and colors. Even the way they move and go about their buggy business can pretty lyrical. I could watch a fuzzy caterpillar climb a tree for hours (plus it probably takes several hours for one to climb a tree)!
Steam rising off a heaping plate of hot food
I just discovered this one at dinner tonight. My mom made a REALLY tasty meal of chicken, potatoes, and arguably the best broccoli in memory (Thanks again, Ma!). She brought my plate out and big wispy tendrils of steam were rising out of the food. I sat watching the steam for a few minutes, weaving and rolling off the food. It was like a translucent lyrical ribbon dance. I don't know if it made me appreciate the meal more, but I enjoyed the free entertainment!
Being Silly
Making funny faces. Saying nonsensical sayings. Falling over and being okay with it. Trust me, life's a lot more fun if you have fun. People take life too seriously and there's nothing better than a good laugh at yourself. Cuz honestly, if you can't laugh at yourself, you're gonna have some serious coping problems down the road. I think everyone needs a little Zooey Deschanel in their lives.
So I wish you well in finding things that give you pause and enjoyment each and every day. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
"If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes, I swear on my life, I'll eat his parents." - Tony the Tiger (Bo Burnham)
Snow White. Walt Disney's first full-length history maker. Family fun fairy tale of epic proportions. Pretty little princess makes friends in the forest and rides off with her prince and they all live happily ever after......
So why would I have a problem with this?
What beef have I with this innocent tale of love, jealousy, and singing vertically-challenged guys? Well, I've got some news for you. That story would not fly today. Snow White made some DUMB moves in that film that defy pretty much every mantra we've all learned since infancy. If you read between the lines, you'll find a wealth of cautionary nuggets to keep in mind. I would say Snow White teaches us how not to act if you want to get by in life, let alone get through your natural life alive!
Strangers:
Don't talk to creepy, shady strangers. Don't take food
from strangers, especially if they're creepy and/or shady. Don't let strangers into your house or, especially, a house that is NOT yours that you happen to be a guest in. Now before you defend her naiveté (yeah yeah, she's 14 years old and she's been sheltered in that castle all her life), I don't care how nice you are. You don't let a creeper that shady-looking into your house! I'm all for being kind to old people and being helpful to strangers, but if the stranger in question looks like a leper rapist trying to give you a "wishing apple" (yay dementia!), I'm sorry, but you ain't coming into my house!
Animals:
Forest animals may be cute and fluffy, but they also bite and have rabies (especially those raccoons), among other forest animal issues you may not want to experience. They are not pets and no one other than a trained professional should attempt to train them. Also, you should not attempt to touch, let alone locate the parents of a bird. They are swimming with disease and do not understand English. So picking up a lost-looking baby bird and asking where its parents are is pretty pointless.
Respect: Snow White teaches us several big Don'ts under this subject. Don't break and enter into a stranger's house. Don't bring a bunch of wild animals into said house and then rearrange all their shit. Don't leave said bunch of wild animals in the house while you go take a nap in their beds. I don't care if you've had a hard day. My car broke down on the highway in the middle of July last year and I didn't go breaking into anyone's house!
While we're on the subject, let's talk about respect not just others, but yourself as well. You're a flipping princess! Not a servant. Not a slave. If you're step mom’s got you scrubbing floors and making you wear rags, you've gotta stand up for yourself and kick her vain old ass! Plus you better be getting paid for said manual labor. Cuz' slavery's been abolished in this country for a while. So.... yeah.
Mental Health: Just in case you have absolutely no sense of right and wrong yet, killing someone because they're prettier than you is NOT okay. If you think this is an acceptable excuse for murder, you should probably check yourself into some place with padded walls. The more I think about it, the evil queen could have actually resolved her psycho dilemma very easily if she had just sat down and thought about it for a minute. Now if the queen genuinely was nuts, then I’ve got nothing for ya. But if being the fairest in the land was truly her goal, as opposed to dispatching her high-in-rank royal step daughter (see Government), it would have been much easier to just mangle her face or something, then her "fairness" would have been void. Duh! Or if the queen still found death to be ultimate answer, that's easy! Just push her into that damn well she keeps standing over!
Government: This is the most fucked up fictional kingdom in the world! I’d like to hear what the subjects and serfs have to say about all this shit! I smell a very unpleasant revolt if this is how the local monarchy plans to run things!
First, you've got a queen who invests all her wealth, power, and spare time on coming up with ways to knock off her stepdaughter. On that note, there be something fishy in Denmark! Is all this REALLY about being fairest in the land, or have we got a good old-fashioned power struggle going on here? Highly suspect if you ask me! Oh, and if someone tries to kill you,
report their ass! And royal security must have suffered some epic budget cuts or something because they suck! If there's an attempt on the life of a princess, especially if she's pretty (which we all know she is), everybody hears about it! The paparazzi has a field day every time Kate Middleton buys a new hat, but no one notices when Snow White runs into the woods and goes missing for a week? WTF?!
Secondly, a princess can't just run away and hang out with 7 guys for a week. do you have any idea how bad that looks? A) You've got an image to uphold. You can't go all Prince Harry and expect to run a smooth kingdom. B) You've got royal obligations. you've got international meetings, charity functions, diplomatic visits, ribbons to cut, and ships to break a bottle on. If other countries hear that your country has no men in immediate power (her dad died, remember?), your stepmother's psychotic and you go cavorting with a bunch of dwarves and animals in the woods (I don't judge fetishes, just keep it in the bedroom!), you're gonna be invaded and overthrown faster than you can say "usurp"!
Thirdly, your biological parents are long gone and your stepmother just died. Therefore, you are the next in line for your throne. So why is your unnamed prince riding you off to his place? You can't just leave your kingdom without an appointed ruler. That's very irresponsible.
I think the real loser in this story is that poor pig that ended up with his heart in a box. For all we know, that could have been Babe! Well, I hope you're happy. The life of a really stupid royal is spared while a harmless pig gets its prime living organ stuffed into a box, just to briefly trick a narcissistic sociopath. So basically, when you watch this family film, you should probably do exactly the opposite of everything Little Miss White does. Otherwise, you're probably gonna die somewhere along the path and be responsible for the death of innocent farm animals.
Just in case you have absolutely no sense of right and wrong yet, killing someone because they're prettier than you is NOT okay. If you think this is an acceptable excuse for murder, you should probably check yourself into some place with padded walls. The more I think about it, the evil queen could have actually resolved her psycho dilemma very easily if she had just sat down and thought about it for a minute. Now if the queen genuinely was nuts, then I’ve got nothing for ya. But if being the fairest in the land was truly her goal, as opposed to dispatching her high-in-rank royal step daughter (see Government), it would have been much easier to just mangle her face or something, then her "fairness" would have been void. Duh! Or if the queen still found death to be ultimate answer, that's easy! Just push her into that damn well she keeps standing over!