Disney Princess Teaches Life Skills 101

Quote of the Day:

"If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes, I swear on my life, I'll eat his parents." - Tony the Tiger (Bo Burnham)

Snow White. Walt Disney's first full-length history maker. Family fun fairy tale of epic proportions. Pretty little princess makes friends in the forest and rides off with her prince and they all live happily ever after......

So why would I have a problem with this?

What beef have I with this innocent tale of love, jealousy, and singing vertically-challenged guys? Well, I've got some news for you. That story would not fly today. Snow White made some DUMB moves in that film that defy pretty much every mantra we've all learned since infancy. If you read between the lines, you'll find a wealth of cautionary nuggets to keep in mind. I would say Snow White teaches us how not to act if you want to get by in life, let alone get through your natural life alive!

Strangers:

Don't talk to creepy, shady strangers. Don't take food

from strangers, especially if they're creepy and/or shady. Don't let strangers into your house or, especially, a house that is NOT yours that you happen to be a guest in. Now before you defend her naiveté (yeah yeah, she's 14 years old and she's been sheltered in that castle all her life), I don't care how nice you are. You don't let a creeper that shady-looking into your house! I'm all for being kind to old people and being helpful to strangers, but if the stranger in question looks like a leper rapist trying to give you a "wishing apple" (yay dementia!), I'm sorry, but you ain't coming into my house!

Animals:

Forest animals may be cute and fluffy, but they also bite and have rabies (especially those raccoons), among other forest animal issues you may not want to experience. They are not pets and no one other than a trained professional should attempt to train them. Also, you should not attempt to touch, let alone locate the parents of a bird. They are swimming with disease and do not understand English. So picking up a lost-looking baby bird and asking where its parents are is pretty pointless.

Respect:
Snow White teaches us several big Don'ts under this subject. Don't break and enter into a stranger's house. Don't bring a bunch of wild animals into said house and then rearrange all their shit. Don't leave said bunch of wild animals in the house while you go take a nap in their beds. I don't care if you've had a hard day. My car broke down on the highway in the middle of July last year and I didn't go breaking into anyone's house!

While we're on the subject, let's talk about respect not just others, but yourself as well. You're a flipping princess! Not a servant. Not a slave. If you're step mom’s got you scrubbing floors and making you wear rags, you've gotta stand up for yourself and kick her vain old ass! Plus you better be getting paid for said manual labor. Cuz' slavery's been abolished in this country for a while. So.... yeah.

Mental Health:
Just in case you have absolutely no sense of right and wrong yet, killing someone because they're prettier than you is NOT okay. If you think this is an acceptable excuse for murder, you should probably check yourself into some place with padded walls. The more I think about it, the evil queen could have actually resolved her psycho dilemma very easily if she had just sat down and thought about it for a minute. Now if the queen genuinely was nuts, then I’ve got nothing for ya. But if being the fairest in the land was truly her goal, as opposed to dispatching her high-in-rank royal step daughter (see Government), it would have been much easier to just mangle her face or something, then her "fairness" would have been void. Duh! Or if the queen still found death to be ultimate answer, that's easy! Just push her into that damn well she keeps standing over!

Government:
This is the most fucked up fictional kingdom in the world! I’d like to hear what the subjects and serfs have to say about all this shit! I smell a very unpleasant revolt if this is how the local monarchy plans to run things!

First, you've got a queen who invests all her wealth, power, and spare time on coming up with ways to knock off her stepdaughter. On that note, there be something fishy in Denmark! Is all this REALLY about being fairest in the land, or have we got a good old-fashioned power struggle going on here? Highly suspect if you ask me! Oh, and if someone tries to kill you,

report their ass! And royal security must have suffered some epic budget cuts or something because they suck! If there's an attempt on the life of a princess, especially if she's pretty (which we all know she is), everybody hears about it! The paparazzi has a field day every time Kate Middleton buys a new hat, but no one notices when Snow White runs into the woods and goes missing for a week? WTF?!

Secondly, a princess can't just run away and hang out with 7 guys for a week. do you have any idea how bad that looks? A) You've got an image to uphold. You can't go all Prince Harry and expect to run a smooth kingdom. B) You've got royal obligations. you've got international meetings, charity functions, diplomatic visits, ribbons to cut, and ships to break a bottle on. If other countries hear that your country has no men in immediate power (her dad died, remember?), your stepmother's psychotic and you go cavorting with a bunch of dwarves and animals in the woods (I don't judge fetishes, just keep it in the bedroom!), you're gonna be invaded and overthrown faster than you can say "usurp"!

Thirdly, your biological parents are long gone and your stepmother just died. Therefore, you are the next in line for your throne. So why is your unnamed prince riding you off to his place? You can't just leave your kingdom without an appointed ruler. That's very irresponsible.

I think the real loser in this story is that poor pig that ended up with his heart in a box. For all we know, that could have been Babe! Well, I hope you're happy. The life of a really stupid royal is spared while a harmless pig gets its prime living organ stuffed into a box, just to briefly trick a narcissistic sociopath. So basically, when you watch this family film, you should probably do exactly the opposite of everything Little Miss White does. Otherwise, you're probably gonna die somewhere along the path and be responsible for the death of innocent farm animals.

The End