Quote of the Day:
"You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
"You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!" - Rollo (Rainn Wilson), Juno
Most people with aspirations of world domination dream of
anarchy or being ruling master or money.
I think if I were to achieve the difficult task of world domination, I
would run the planet in a totally different fashion than popularly
envisioned. I would establish a
minimal-government democracy, where everyone is acknowledged and, if not
accepted, tolerated. Education,
harmony, and cooperation to achieve universal progress would be my world’s
highest-held values. To keep
government minimal, pay grades usually bestowed to government positions shall
be swapped with pay grades usually bestowed to positions in the arts and
education (i.e. educators and artists would earn the big bucks while
politicians earn scraps). Also,
credit shall be limited as a last resort.
If you don’t have money, you don’t spend it.
I shan’t throw the word “peace” around too heavily because
in my Camelot-esque dominated planet, I realize that people are not going to
always feel peaceful towards each other.
But dammit, there will be civility between parties! I do believe we are capable of
co-existing and agreeing to disagree without killing each other. Why we feel that we can’t is still a
mystery to me. I’m not saying
everyone has to like each other (though that would be nice!) or even get along,
but a strict policy of civil, cordial, leave-each-other-the-fuck-alone behavior
will be enforced.
If relative harmony is breached at any point, all involved
parties shall elect one leader each to have a contained slug-out match in their
local town square (NOTE: In scheduling aforementioned slug-outs, events of
festivity, observance, and/or *insert medical condition* awareness take
precedence in local town squares).
These slug-outs shall be orchestrated following all but the first two
rules of Fight Club. Once a winner is announced, his or her
party is deemed the victor and the subject in question is then forever
closed. If discord is still
present, both parties shall face jail time and heavy fines, according to the
severity of their actions. There
shall be no death penalty, but those who are sentenced to life will wish there
was a death penalty (use your imagination). Should large parties (i.e. world nations or religious
groups) attempt malicious violence and, potentially, homicide against each
other, all who wish to participate shall be shipped to their choice of 3 remote
locations undesirable to human habitation for a mass slug-out:
A.
The Sahara Desert
B.
A “Conflict” Base erected solely for mass slug-outs in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean
C.
Pluto
I think it’s interesting that Camelot worked beautifully up
until someone decided it wasn’t enough to live well with others and be part of
a society of fellowship and ideology.
It seems that civility and non-violent conflict resolution can exist until someone gets greedy. When people spend all their time and
energy on hating on someone else, that’s when bad things happen. Take all these Middle Eastern nutjobs
who do nothing but blow themselves up for some supposed heavenly reward and
hate all things not Muslim because an ancient book (apparently) says so. Or those Bible thumpers who go around
shouting that you’re wrong for accepting certain things (also a result of an
ancient book. Interesting…). Do you see anything useful come from
these people? Do you see them
creating any works of art or technology or architecture or engineering? Do you see contributing anything useful
to society? No, they just sit
around and pontificate about God-knows-what. I personally don’t have the time or energy to
sit around hating and coveting and carrying a grudge. I’ve got much better things to do. I realize it’s hard for people to get back up when life
kicks them or they’re born into a world of strife and harshness, but standing
on a street corner with a cardboard sign and yelling to the world that you
deserve better isn’t helping.
Or maybe I’m the one who’s got it all wrong. Maybe everyone else is right to be cold
and bitter and ignorant and standoffish to anything different. Maybe we should all feel entitled to
what we don’t deserve or aren’t willing to work for. I know that’s the way it is and has been for a hell of a
long time. But even if it means being taken advantage of, I intend to set an
example and open myself to things I may not understand or even like if it means
coming away with a positive, enlightening experience. So to all those stuck up bastards who think you’re above
something because of who you are/aren’t, fuck you!
Aside from establishing a cordial, enlightened, industrious
planet, I also decree a few national/federal holidays and changes to the
average work schedule to be implemented:
1.
4 Day Work Week - 3rd day off is up to the employee
2.
Office holiday parties will be mandatory (half-assed office
parties will be considered very distasteful)
3.
Roundhouse Day (March 10 - Chuck Norris’s Birthday) is to be
observed in the style of St. Patrick’s Day/Mardi Gras with beads awarded for
roundhouse kicks and Chuck Norris-isms
4.
Ren Faire Day (Begins Midsummer’s Eve) – Ren Faire geeks will
no longer have to trek to their state’s Ren Faire; Ren Faires will be held in
major cities and participating towns
5.
Bi-Annual Taco Festival
6.
Tonys Night = Oscars Night
7.
Hug-A-Jew/Judaism Appreciation Day – Jewish food will be
prepared, movies featuring the talent of Jews (which is pretty much any movie
ever made) shall be played, Jews shall organize celebration details, Jews shall
be hugged, Jews shall not be suspected, persecuted, or criticized for being the
hard-working, educated, motivated, cultured, persevering people they are.
8.
Holidays actually yield a day off… and are paid. This includes (but not limited to) Jewish
High Holy Days, Ash Wednesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Day after
Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, President’s Day, Columbus Day,
Roundhouse Day, and Ren Faire Day
9.
Solstices shall be observed with festivities and food.
