Things We Take For Granted

Quote of the Day:
"It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to shit storm." - Columbus, Zombieland

In a world overrun by cell phones, social networking, 3D movies, airbrushing, reality TV, internet, and stairmasters, it has become exceedingly simple to let life and the little things that make it special pass us by. As a sequel to my previous entry about being happy..... dammit, I'll present a few little things other than the roses to stop and smell. And not the usual stuff we take for granted (friends, family, loved ones, e-mail), other equally awesome stuff.

Crappy Rainy Days - We all know how much it sucks to wake up to a cold, dreary, rainy,

motivation-draining day where even the day itself wishes it were something else for the next 24 hours. But the reason to appreciate these days (which eastern PA's been getting its fill of this month) is for the pleasure of that bright, sunny day that will eventually follow the rain. Plus, showers bring flowers!

Reggae - I've been on a Bob Marley/Matisyahu kick lately and I gotta say there is definitely something special and entrancing about reggae music. Let's have a listen to some Mr. Marley:

Bob and Matisyahu are great listens for a rainy day (see above). However, the hypnotic rhythms may eliminate all motivation you may still have, so listen cautiously!

Tampons - If you gentlemen feel squeamish about this subject (which I'm sure you do, it ain't fun for us either!), my apologies. But it's a fact of life. Women bleed 5-7 days a month.... and don't die (which obviously proves that women are superhumans and, therefore, superior to men). Just think how much suckier it was when we didn't have 'em? I feel pretty bad for all those poor ladies who made do before the feminine stuff we have today. OR Midol! Maybe I feel worse for the menfolk of old! And how about those ladies on Gilligan's Island? They brought their entire wardrobes for a 3 hour tour; I hope they brought a few boxes of Tampax with them too!

Sandwiches - Grilled cheese, peanut butter & jelly, turkey club, bananas & fluff, ice cream chipwich... infinite possibilities between two slices of bread. Who could imagine the contentment and gratification that would bring? So simple a concept, yet so much deliciousness! I'll bet either a total moron or an ineffable genius created the first sandwich. Whoever you are, Genius McDumbass, I thank you!

Coloring Books - Last time I checked, there is no cut-off age for making art with crayons. I honestly don't know what made me think of coloring books today, but a warm feeling came over me when I looked back on all those (usually Disney-themed) pages of awesomeness that used to hang from my parents' refrigerator and office cubicles. Not only does coloring bring fake joy and pride to your parents, it lets you break the rules as a child. You can make a blue duck, a rainbow-spotted dalmation, or a pink Spongebob! Absurd? Yes. Soothing-yet-exhilarating? Hell yes! I can't remember the last time I used a coloring book, but I could go for some childish rulebreaking!

Those weird people at work/school/in passing - There are two realities in life. One, Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer (except he never cries). Two, we encounter weirdos in our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. That creepy guy at work who says really inappropriate stuff and stares at you, that odd casual acquaintance who smells like a bad cooking experiment in an old folks home, that wheezing guy at the supermarket who looks like a textbook serial killer and stands right next to you in the checkout line. And why should we appreciate these nuisances to society? Because it reminds us that the rest of us are, on some scale, somewhat normal. We've got a ton of shit wrong with us, but it's nothing compared to those nutjobs!

Farmers - They feed us!

God - a.k.a. Yahweh, Buddha, Vishnu, Invisible Pink Unicorn, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Jedi, First United Church of the Fonz...... We're so caught up in what we call it, we forget the important stuff. For pete's sake, how many people throughout history have killed and died in __________'s name? It's frackin' ridiculous!

Old Black & White Movies - With all the 3D and special effects and air brushing and CGI and explosions shoved into movies these days, we don't remember/know of all the AMAZING films that came before our time. How 'bout when movie making was in its infancy and this was the most impressive, dangerous special effect they had going:

When movies (particularly black & white movies, because color was a huge deal at first) didn't have all the crap thrown into them like now, they relied on the sheer acting ability and lighting and filming precision to make it worthwhile. Nowadays we seem to flock to any old piece of crap on a screen because it entertains. Though we've still got some great actors and directors out there, actors now are able to use green screens and explosions as a crutch (i.e. - Matthew McConaughey). We seem to miss out on real artful physical humor, themes of raw conflict, praise and favor of the human, average Joe, these days. Some of my personal favorites: The Apartment, Casablanca, High Noon, City Lights, and my personal favorite, Harvey

Cows - What do filet mignon, chocolate milk, a baseball glove, and a cheeseburger have in common? None of them would be possible without cows. Such pleasant, mild-mannered, functional animals cows seem to be! When's the last time you thought how useful cows are? Not lately, I'll bet. Those close to me know that I've been appreciating them for years. I love them for so many reasons; they're gentle, unique, tasty, and I enjoy a good "moo" every once and a while. So next time you're driving through cow country, give the bovines a shout out and say "thank you for all your services to humankind!"

Toilet Paper - See Best. Invention. Ever.

Scandinavia - Seriously, how often have you thought to yourself, "Hmm. I wonder how Finland's doing today...." Scandinavia's cool. They don't seem to want to bother anyone or kick any other country's ass and vice versa! If Scandinavia can live and let live, I don't see why the rest of us can't.

So make a friend in Scandinavia or watch an old movie and remember the little things that often go unnoticed. May you go forth and appreciate all the little things that make life wonderful.

Charlie Sheen and Self Esteem

Quote of the Day:

"Jupiter's cock!" - Spartacus: Blood and Sand

I have never watched an episode Two and ½ Men. Up until about a week ago, my feelings towards one Charlie Sheen were always pretty indifferent. The night he was interviewed on the Today Show, my respect for the man plummeted through the floor. In my mind, he was placed almost (but not quite) on the same level as Mel Gibson... but funnier.

However, today I stumbled upon what might be the Greatest. Viral. Video. EVER.

Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

My respect for Charlie Sheen has now skyrocketed to heights of epic proportions. True, he is still the King of the Looney Bin and the 2011 Biggest Douche Award winner, but it takes a considerably bold, downright cool dude to take a really dark and embarrassing evening that pretty much obliterated what reputation and sanity he had left and create a funny-as-hell, satirical, loving jab at himself. For this, I truly admire the man. It's not easy to crawl out from a hole as big as the one he dug for himself.

I spent most of my childhood getting picked on for being "that weird kid" that nobody liked. For example, I was the only Jewish (well there were 2 or 3 other Jewish kids, but I was the only not-rich one) first grader with BAD fashion sense, next-to-zero social tact, and I listened to Broadway musicals. I probably would have picked on me too! I was the target of ruthless bullying by ugly, smelly kids who I, by all rights, should have been opening a heaping can of whoop-ass on. I stupidly absorbed it all; I let all those little pissers get to me and make me feel bad about myself. For years. It would have been SO much easier had I done what Charlie did and just embrace what was being thrown at me.

Charlie said and did some DUMB stuff in the past few weeks and attracted a LOT of bad attention. But did that stop our tiger-blooded winner? Nay! He took that publicity and totally turned it around and laughed right along with us. And that, my friends, is the secret. If you have to cut almost all your hair off because some dick stuck gum in it and everyone at school's calling you "Frozo the Clown," just laugh and say, "Yep. I'm a silly clown, rockin' the Jew Fro. Ha ha." Had I just taken what those ugly, smelly kids dished out and accepted that I am who I am, I would have had a much sweeter social life.

In retrospect, it would have been awesome if I'd turned around and said something like, "Yeah, I'm a clown. A sadistic, homicidal clown who'll burst out of a sewage pipe and decapitate your sorry ass if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP!" .....aw man! Now I wanna do it all over again! And I'll do it right!

....God I need help. If that's not sick and/or twisted, I don't know what is! Anyway, I'm getting carried away. The point, ladies and gentlemen, is not to roll over and take the world's abuse laying down. You can land in a pile of shit, but if you respond well, you may come out eventually smelling okay. It's important to rise above (forgive me) the "trolls."

So for this life lesson and the funniest video I've seen since the GEICO Piggy commercial, Charlie Sheen, I thank you!

Be Happy, Dammit!

Fun Fact of the Day:

In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

Greetings, fellow Earthicans! We all know there's a lot going wrong on this crazy little planet of ours these days. Financial crises. Protests. Riots. A gallon of gas costs more than a Happy Meal. Andy Whitfield's not gonna be Spartacus anymore and Batiatus and Lucretia are dead.... But is that any reason to stick your head between your knees for impact (or merely in the sand)? No sir-ee-Bob!

True, life can be one sucky bag of diapers (used diapers). But if you've got your head in a position rendering you unable to look around a bit (i.e. between your knees or the sand), you'll definitely miss all the good, sometimes ridiculously simple things that are worth sticking around for. Drawing a blank on simple joys? Not to worry! I happen to be an expert on finding amusement in the

mundane. So, in honor of the upcoming season of new life and rebirth, I present some simple reasons to be happy today:

1. Balloons. Seriously, how pissed off can you be with a balloon in your hand? Not to mention the unfathomable joy to be found if said balloon is filled with helium!

2. Llamas..... what? Llamas are awesome!

3. Getting stuff right on Jeopardy! (I always like it when they have a B-way musicals category. I feel S-M-R-T cuz I usually get the whole thing right!)

4. Ice cream

5. Nudity. And no, I'm not saying we should all go hippy and find a nude beach (unless you want to. Up to you.) But I must say the feeling of being, for a moment or two, totally unconfined goes unacknowledged and unappreciated for the most part. When you undress this evening, before you switch to your jammies, really pay attention to how nice it feels when the air hits your skin. It's quite pleasant! Just lie on your bed and be naked for a second (unless you've got a room mate, then that's kinda creepy). For those of you self-conscious individuals, take a look in the mirror (if you've got one) and be okay with what you see.

6. Betty White

7. The color Orange. Yet another underappreciated gift of nature. Almost (but not quite) as overlooked as the color Yellow.

8. Waffles. Matter of fact, I had some waffles for breakfast this morning and I can safely say that they made me very happy!

9. Towels fresh from the dryer

10. Charlie Sheen. Be it his stirring oration about his bitchin', bi-winning, tiger blooded, drug-called-"Charlie-Sheen" lifestyle, or the mere fact that you are not him and, therefore, a troll (or something), Charlie Sheen's been making everybody happy about something these days. I know we're only 2 months and 1 week into the year, but I think Charlie's a total shoo-in the 2011 Biggest Douche Award...... Presented by Mel Gibson...... from the Intergalactic Scientology Convention...... on Mars.

11. Kitty Fails

12. Chuck Norris. Hey! Did you know that Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago? Yeah! Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris has also been known to make a Happy Meal cry!

13. Treasure Trolls

14. Lawn Flamingos

15. Obese Asian Kids. Though I do believe that all morbidly obese children are morbidly funny, regardless of their race, religion, or creed, I refer to Asian because they resemble mini sumo wrestlers. And everyone knows that mini versions of big things are extra funny.

Well, there you have it. 15 perfectly good reasons to smile and be happy. Feel free to add to the list. But for now, good night, fellow Earthicans. Harooooooo!!!!