"I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid." - Private Joker, Full Metal Jacket
Today, I do not wish to write about my eventful weekend (the Penncrest color guard managed to pull an adequate first show of the season out of their ass, I met and had tipsy conversations with some really cool people at B-Walshie's bar crawl, I had a nice breakfast with Dad and Aaron, and had some Q.T. and french toast with my beloved gentleman friend.... where I again realize that I'd rather sleep on a horrible, homicidal-to-the-spinal-cord twin mattress next to him than on the finest tempurpedic Swedish foam sleep number mattress alone).
Today, I would like to write about what I consider to be the greatest invention made by man for individual use. Is it the wheel? The printing press? The internet? Though all wonderful contributions to society, I want to tip my hat and raise my glass (which is, at the moment, filled with Swiss Farms Tea Cooler....mmmmm) to the invention that allows every man, woman, and child to personally take on the identity of King/Queen, philosopher, and rock star, all the while becoming close to Godliness.
I'll let you all take a guess.......
Give up? Though I'd love to hear what you thought it was, you're incorrect. The greatest man-made invention for individual use is
*Drumroll please!*
Household Bathrooms!
That's right. A toilet, a sink, and a bathing vessel. Now I'm sure you're thinking, "A bathroom? Ya gotta be kidding!" But hear me out. Once you think about it, it actually makes a world of sense. I'll proceed.
Over the centuries, we humans have developed an appreciation for personal hygiene. We have come a long way from eating with the same hand with which we wipe ourselves. Unfortunately, a small number of our human race have still yet to evolve to this mindset. But for the sake of the argument, let's assume for the moment that we have all reached the value of personal hygiene. A bathroom is designated solely for the restoration and maintenance of personal cleanliness.
Like most other inventions invented, the invention of the modern bathroom went through many trials before it was eventually perfected. Let's not forget that the task of producing waste alone had to, for the longest time, be carried out outside the warmth and comfort of the house, in what we today call a Port-o-Potty (also a very important invention). At some point in history, around the invention of plumbing (another charming invention), someone realized a wonderful alternative to throwing all their human waste out the window into the street for others to walk on and smell and attract all sorts of unhappiness to fester around it. Let's designate one spot for all our shit to go so we know not to step in it! Brilliant!
Then came the sink. I'm pretty sure the Jews had something to do with this little gem, since they were the cleanest folks around up until the Renaissance. Until the sink, we just wiped our crap-covered hands (or, according to Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, we used a stick) on a communal cloth or rag. Then Schmuel McGenius said one day, "Let's get a disposable pool of water to really get that schmutz off! Thank you Schmuel McGenius! You've made a great contribution to personal hygiene! And thank you Jews for being awesome!So now we have a toilet, a sink, and a bathing vessel all in the same room. Bravo to the trial and error throughout the years that brought us this often overlooked marvel of civilization. Now the marvels don't stop there. There is obviously more to a bathroom than cleanliness. Much more!
A bathroom is the only room in the house where you should be allotted total privacy (though, due to young children or nosy roommates, some households may allot less privacy than others). True, a bedroom may provide you with some privacy (tee hee!), but the privacy granted in a bathroom is sacred, due to the sacred business carried out there. I understand that typically men value this business quite a bit more than women. The business carried out on the "throne" can be considered a point of pride, depending on the shape and/or size of the business. Such business can elevate a mere man to the status of royalty among his peers.
Not only is it a room of important "business," it is also a room for therapy and calm. A person, typically a woman.... and even more typically a young adolescent woman, may pamper and groom herself for extended periods of time in the bathroom. If sacred privacy is indeed accomplished, it is a wonderful getaway for both sexes.
One's time in the bathroom is also a time for reflection and thought. When you think about it, we spend a good portion of our lives in the bathroom. Considering the amount of time we spend in the bathroom throughout our lives, especially on occasions of excessive and later disagreeable feasting, we have a lot of time to think while doing our business. I personally carry out most of my best ponderings while having a cleansing shower. I find the vapors of the shower open up the great expanses of my brain and lead me to great insightful thoughts which would otherwise pass me by, were I not in the shower.One of my personal favorite simultaneous bathroom past times (and I know it's all of yours too, don't lie) is singing in the shower. Now those of you who are true bathroom belters like me, you know that I'm not talking about just humming to yourself in the shower. No no. I mean when the water turns into an audience's adoration pouring over you as you belt showtunes to a completely sold out run at Madison Square Garden and you sing like you've never sung before (actually the shower walls reflect the sound back to your ears, giving you a clearer sound. Go acoustics!) and you are a fucking ROCK STAR!!!!
......at least until your prick of a step dad kicks the door in when you thought no one was home and he has to take a piss.
Well, that is my petition for world's best invention for personal use. It is an invention of hygiene, status, thought, and imagination. So next time you enter your "domain," remember what it took to get it where it is today, and what it means to you.
