Things We Take For Granted

Quote of the Day:
"It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to shit storm." - Columbus, Zombieland

In a world overrun by cell phones, social networking, 3D movies, airbrushing, reality TV, internet, and stairmasters, it has become exceedingly simple to let life and the little things that make it special pass us by. As a sequel to my previous entry about being happy..... dammit, I'll present a few little things other than the roses to stop and smell. And not the usual stuff we take for granted (friends, family, loved ones, e-mail), other equally awesome stuff.

Crappy Rainy Days - We all know how much it sucks to wake up to a cold, dreary, rainy,

motivation-draining day where even the day itself wishes it were something else for the next 24 hours. But the reason to appreciate these days (which eastern PA's been getting its fill of this month) is for the pleasure of that bright, sunny day that will eventually follow the rain. Plus, showers bring flowers!

Reggae - I've been on a Bob Marley/Matisyahu kick lately and I gotta say there is definitely something special and entrancing about reggae music. Let's have a listen to some Mr. Marley:

Bob and Matisyahu are great listens for a rainy day (see above). However, the hypnotic rhythms may eliminate all motivation you may still have, so listen cautiously!

Tampons - If you gentlemen feel squeamish about this subject (which I'm sure you do, it ain't fun for us either!), my apologies. But it's a fact of life. Women bleed 5-7 days a month.... and don't die (which obviously proves that women are superhumans and, therefore, superior to men). Just think how much suckier it was when we didn't have 'em? I feel pretty bad for all those poor ladies who made do before the feminine stuff we have today. OR Midol! Maybe I feel worse for the menfolk of old! And how about those ladies on Gilligan's Island? They brought their entire wardrobes for a 3 hour tour; I hope they brought a few boxes of Tampax with them too!

Sandwiches - Grilled cheese, peanut butter & jelly, turkey club, bananas & fluff, ice cream chipwich... infinite possibilities between two slices of bread. Who could imagine the contentment and gratification that would bring? So simple a concept, yet so much deliciousness! I'll bet either a total moron or an ineffable genius created the first sandwich. Whoever you are, Genius McDumbass, I thank you!

Coloring Books - Last time I checked, there is no cut-off age for making art with crayons. I honestly don't know what made me think of coloring books today, but a warm feeling came over me when I looked back on all those (usually Disney-themed) pages of awesomeness that used to hang from my parents' refrigerator and office cubicles. Not only does coloring bring fake joy and pride to your parents, it lets you break the rules as a child. You can make a blue duck, a rainbow-spotted dalmation, or a pink Spongebob! Absurd? Yes. Soothing-yet-exhilarating? Hell yes! I can't remember the last time I used a coloring book, but I could go for some childish rulebreaking!

Those weird people at work/school/in passing - There are two realities in life. One, Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer (except he never cries). Two, we encounter weirdos in our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. That creepy guy at work who says really inappropriate stuff and stares at you, that odd casual acquaintance who smells like a bad cooking experiment in an old folks home, that wheezing guy at the supermarket who looks like a textbook serial killer and stands right next to you in the checkout line. And why should we appreciate these nuisances to society? Because it reminds us that the rest of us are, on some scale, somewhat normal. We've got a ton of shit wrong with us, but it's nothing compared to those nutjobs!

Farmers - They feed us!

God - a.k.a. Yahweh, Buddha, Vishnu, Invisible Pink Unicorn, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Jedi, First United Church of the Fonz...... We're so caught up in what we call it, we forget the important stuff. For pete's sake, how many people throughout history have killed and died in __________'s name? It's frackin' ridiculous!

Old Black & White Movies - With all the 3D and special effects and air brushing and CGI and explosions shoved into movies these days, we don't remember/know of all the AMAZING films that came before our time. How 'bout when movie making was in its infancy and this was the most impressive, dangerous special effect they had going:

When movies (particularly black & white movies, because color was a huge deal at first) didn't have all the crap thrown into them like now, they relied on the sheer acting ability and lighting and filming precision to make it worthwhile. Nowadays we seem to flock to any old piece of crap on a screen because it entertains. Though we've still got some great actors and directors out there, actors now are able to use green screens and explosions as a crutch (i.e. - Matthew McConaughey). We seem to miss out on real artful physical humor, themes of raw conflict, praise and favor of the human, average Joe, these days. Some of my personal favorites: The Apartment, Casablanca, High Noon, City Lights, and my personal favorite, Harvey

Cows - What do filet mignon, chocolate milk, a baseball glove, and a cheeseburger have in common? None of them would be possible without cows. Such pleasant, mild-mannered, functional animals cows seem to be! When's the last time you thought how useful cows are? Not lately, I'll bet. Those close to me know that I've been appreciating them for years. I love them for so many reasons; they're gentle, unique, tasty, and I enjoy a good "moo" every once and a while. So next time you're driving through cow country, give the bovines a shout out and say "thank you for all your services to humankind!"

Toilet Paper - See Best. Invention. Ever.

Scandinavia - Seriously, how often have you thought to yourself, "Hmm. I wonder how Finland's doing today...." Scandinavia's cool. They don't seem to want to bother anyone or kick any other country's ass and vice versa! If Scandinavia can live and let live, I don't see why the rest of us can't.

So make a friend in Scandinavia or watch an old movie and remember the little things that often go unnoticed. May you go forth and appreciate all the little things that make life wonderful.

Charlie Sheen and Self Esteem

Quote of the Day:

"Jupiter's cock!" - Spartacus: Blood and Sand

I have never watched an episode Two and ½ Men. Up until about a week ago, my feelings towards one Charlie Sheen were always pretty indifferent. The night he was interviewed on the Today Show, my respect for the man plummeted through the floor. In my mind, he was placed almost (but not quite) on the same level as Mel Gibson... but funnier.

However, today I stumbled upon what might be the Greatest. Viral. Video. EVER.

Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

My respect for Charlie Sheen has now skyrocketed to heights of epic proportions. True, he is still the King of the Looney Bin and the 2011 Biggest Douche Award winner, but it takes a considerably bold, downright cool dude to take a really dark and embarrassing evening that pretty much obliterated what reputation and sanity he had left and create a funny-as-hell, satirical, loving jab at himself. For this, I truly admire the man. It's not easy to crawl out from a hole as big as the one he dug for himself.

I spent most of my childhood getting picked on for being "that weird kid" that nobody liked. For example, I was the only Jewish (well there were 2 or 3 other Jewish kids, but I was the only not-rich one) first grader with BAD fashion sense, next-to-zero social tact, and I listened to Broadway musicals. I probably would have picked on me too! I was the target of ruthless bullying by ugly, smelly kids who I, by all rights, should have been opening a heaping can of whoop-ass on. I stupidly absorbed it all; I let all those little pissers get to me and make me feel bad about myself. For years. It would have been SO much easier had I done what Charlie did and just embrace what was being thrown at me.

Charlie said and did some DUMB stuff in the past few weeks and attracted a LOT of bad attention. But did that stop our tiger-blooded winner? Nay! He took that publicity and totally turned it around and laughed right along with us. And that, my friends, is the secret. If you have to cut almost all your hair off because some dick stuck gum in it and everyone at school's calling you "Frozo the Clown," just laugh and say, "Yep. I'm a silly clown, rockin' the Jew Fro. Ha ha." Had I just taken what those ugly, smelly kids dished out and accepted that I am who I am, I would have had a much sweeter social life.

In retrospect, it would have been awesome if I'd turned around and said something like, "Yeah, I'm a clown. A sadistic, homicidal clown who'll burst out of a sewage pipe and decapitate your sorry ass if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP!" .....aw man! Now I wanna do it all over again! And I'll do it right!

....God I need help. If that's not sick and/or twisted, I don't know what is! Anyway, I'm getting carried away. The point, ladies and gentlemen, is not to roll over and take the world's abuse laying down. You can land in a pile of shit, but if you respond well, you may come out eventually smelling okay. It's important to rise above (forgive me) the "trolls."

So for this life lesson and the funniest video I've seen since the GEICO Piggy commercial, Charlie Sheen, I thank you!

Be Happy, Dammit!

Fun Fact of the Day:

In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

Greetings, fellow Earthicans! We all know there's a lot going wrong on this crazy little planet of ours these days. Financial crises. Protests. Riots. A gallon of gas costs more than a Happy Meal. Andy Whitfield's not gonna be Spartacus anymore and Batiatus and Lucretia are dead.... But is that any reason to stick your head between your knees for impact (or merely in the sand)? No sir-ee-Bob!

True, life can be one sucky bag of diapers (used diapers). But if you've got your head in a position rendering you unable to look around a bit (i.e. between your knees or the sand), you'll definitely miss all the good, sometimes ridiculously simple things that are worth sticking around for. Drawing a blank on simple joys? Not to worry! I happen to be an expert on finding amusement in the

mundane. So, in honor of the upcoming season of new life and rebirth, I present some simple reasons to be happy today:

1. Balloons. Seriously, how pissed off can you be with a balloon in your hand? Not to mention the unfathomable joy to be found if said balloon is filled with helium!

2. Llamas..... what? Llamas are awesome!

3. Getting stuff right on Jeopardy! (I always like it when they have a B-way musicals category. I feel S-M-R-T cuz I usually get the whole thing right!)

4. Ice cream

5. Nudity. And no, I'm not saying we should all go hippy and find a nude beach (unless you want to. Up to you.) But I must say the feeling of being, for a moment or two, totally unconfined goes unacknowledged and unappreciated for the most part. When you undress this evening, before you switch to your jammies, really pay attention to how nice it feels when the air hits your skin. It's quite pleasant! Just lie on your bed and be naked for a second (unless you've got a room mate, then that's kinda creepy). For those of you self-conscious individuals, take a look in the mirror (if you've got one) and be okay with what you see.

6. Betty White

7. The color Orange. Yet another underappreciated gift of nature. Almost (but not quite) as overlooked as the color Yellow.

8. Waffles. Matter of fact, I had some waffles for breakfast this morning and I can safely say that they made me very happy!

9. Towels fresh from the dryer

10. Charlie Sheen. Be it his stirring oration about his bitchin', bi-winning, tiger blooded, drug-called-"Charlie-Sheen" lifestyle, or the mere fact that you are not him and, therefore, a troll (or something), Charlie Sheen's been making everybody happy about something these days. I know we're only 2 months and 1 week into the year, but I think Charlie's a total shoo-in the 2011 Biggest Douche Award...... Presented by Mel Gibson...... from the Intergalactic Scientology Convention...... on Mars.

11. Kitty Fails

12. Chuck Norris. Hey! Did you know that Chuck Norris actually died 20 years ago? Yeah! Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet. Chuck Norris has also been known to make a Happy Meal cry!

13. Treasure Trolls

14. Lawn Flamingos

15. Obese Asian Kids. Though I do believe that all morbidly obese children are morbidly funny, regardless of their race, religion, or creed, I refer to Asian because they resemble mini sumo wrestlers. And everyone knows that mini versions of big things are extra funny.

Well, there you have it. 15 perfectly good reasons to smile and be happy. Feel free to add to the list. But for now, good night, fellow Earthicans. Harooooooo!!!!

Grestest. Invention. Ever.

Quote of the Day:
"I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid." - Private Joker, Full Metal Jacket

Today, I do not wish to write about my eventful weekend (the Penncrest color guard managed to pull an adequate first show of the season out of their ass, I met and had tipsy conversations with some really cool people at B-Walshie's bar crawl, I had a nice breakfast with Dad and Aaron, and had some Q.T. and french toast with my beloved gentleman friend.... where I again realize that I'd rather sleep on a horrible, homicidal-to-the-spinal-cord twin mattress next to him than on the finest tempurpedic Swedish foam sleep number mattress alone).


Today, I would like to write about what I consider to be the greatest invention made by man for individual use. Is it the wheel? The printing press? The internet? Though all wonderful contributions to society, I want to tip my hat and raise my glass (which is, at the moment, filled with Swiss Farms Tea Cooler....mmmmm) to the invention that allows every man, woman, and child to personally take on the identity of King/Queen, philosopher, and rock star, all the while becoming close to Godliness.

I'll let you all take a guess.......



















Give up? Though I'd love to hear what you thought it was, you're incorrect. The greatest man-made invention for individual use is






*Drumroll please!*





Household Bathrooms!


That's right. A toilet, a sink, and a bathing vessel. Now I'm sure you're thinking, "A bathroom? Ya gotta be kidding!" But hear me out. Once you think about it, it actually makes a world of sense. I'll proceed.

Over the centuries, we humans have developed an appreciation for personal hygiene. We have come a long way from eating with the same hand with which we wipe ourselves. Unfortunately, a small number of our human race have still yet to evolve to this mindset. But for the sake of the argument, let's assume for the moment that we have all reached the value of personal hygiene. A bathroom is designated solely for the restoration and maintenance of personal cleanliness.

Like most other inventions invented, the invention of the modern bathroom went through many trials before it was eventually perfected. Let's not forget that the task of producing waste alone had to, for the longest time, be carried out outside the warmth and comfort of the house, in what we today call a Port-o-Potty (also a very important invention). At some point in history, around the invention of plumbing (another charming invention), someone realized a wonderful alternative to throwing all their human waste out the window into the street for others to walk on and smell and attract all sorts of unhappiness to fester around it. Let's designate one spot for all our shit to go so we know not to step in it! Brilliant!

Then came the sink. I'm pretty sure the Jews had something to do with this little gem, since they were the cleanest folks around up until the Renaissance. Until the sink, we just wiped our crap-covered hands (or, according to Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, we used a stick) on a communal cloth or rag. Then Schmuel McGenius said one day, "Let's get a disposable pool of water to really get that schmutz off! Thank you Schmuel McGenius! You've made a great contribution to personal hygiene! And thank you Jews for being awesome!

So now we have a toilet, a sink, and a bathing vessel all in the same room. Bravo to the trial and error throughout the years that brought us this often overlooked marvel of civilization. Now the marvels don't stop there. There is obviously more to a bathroom than cleanliness. Much more!

A bathroom is the only room in the house where you should be allotted total privacy (though, due to young children or nosy roommates, some households may allot less privacy than others). True, a bedroom may provide you with some privacy (tee hee!), but the privacy granted in a bathroom is sacred, due to the sacred business carried out there. I understand that typically men value this business quite a bit more than women. The business carried out on the "throne" can be considered a point of pride, depending on the shape and/or size of the business. Such business can elevate a mere man to the status of royalty among his peers.

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Not only is it a room of important "business," it is also a room for therapy and calm. A person, typically a woman.... and even more typically a young adolescent woman, may pamper and groom herself for extended periods of time in the bathroom. If sacred privacy is indeed accomplished, it is a wonderful getaway for both sexes.

One's time in the bathroom is also a time for reflection and thought. When you think about it, we spend a good portion of our lives in the bathroom. Considering the amount of time we spend in the bathroom throughout our lives, especially on occasions of excessive and later disagreeable feasting, we have a lot of time to think while doing our business. I personally carry out most of my best ponderings while having a cleansing shower. I find the vapors of the shower open up the great expanses of my brain and lead me to great insightful thoughts which would otherwise pass me by, were I not in the shower.

One of my personal favorite simultaneous bathroom past times (and I know it's all of yours too, don't lie) is singing in the shower. Now those of you who are true bathroom belters like me, you know that I'm not talking about just humming to yourself in the shower. No no. I mean when the water turns into an audience's adoration pouring over you as you belt showtunes to a completely sold out run at Madison Square Garden and you sing like you've never sung before (actually the shower walls reflect the sound back to your ears, giving you a clearer sound. Go acoustics!) and you are a fucking ROCK STAR!!!!

......at least until your prick of a step dad kicks the door in when you thought no one was home and he has to take a piss.

Well, that is my petition for world's best invention for personal use. It is an invention of hygiene, status, thought, and imagination. So next time you enter your "domain," remember what it took to get it where it is today, and what it means to you.

CBS Cares about your naughty parts!

Snapple Fact #144:
Texas is the only state that permits residents to cast absentee ballots from space.

Ok, I was vegging out in front of the TV this evening after a lovely trip to Tar-jay (aka Target, and Mike, it's none of your goddamn business what I bought there!) and this charming little public service announcement comes on during Big Bang Theory:



Ok, first of all, Ew. Secondly, once I finally caught my breath after laughing for the next 12 minutes, I ventured into the vast expanses of the world wide web to maybe watch it again, just in case I was hallucinating. Well, I was not. This guy is smugly-yet-seriously advocating self-testes-exams. So fellas, if you wanna please your "woman" this Valentine's Day, don't shower her with flowers, chocolates, jewelry, or attention, just get your nuts checked out. Uh-huh. That'll make a lot of women happy!

Anyway, in my travels, I came across some equally entertaining PSAs:

Get your pap "schmear" this Hanukkah!


HA! Leave it to the Jews to make humor out of the act of getting your lady bits checked!


Now, the goyim don't have as funny a punchline, but it's just as gross:


Ew. Just ew.



And here we have a sexy number for all you last minute Christmas shoppers out there:


Yeah, because a dude can't schedule a prostate exam by himself. I can see that Christmas morning now: "A prostate exam appointment?! Oh, baby, that is SO hot! Will you watch me when I get it done?"

And for our Hanukkah version, we ladies want you gentlemen to know that your prostate is something we care about and depend on sexually.


Keep it kosher, homies! Mmmmm, kosher hot dogs!

So if Santa "forgot" to bring an exam appointment or two this year, show your loved ones you care by surprising them with a pap smear/prostate exam. Do you care? 'Cuz CBS cares!

Oh, and PS - To all you male readers who don't grasp the concept of sarcasm, your ladies would rather you handle that stuff on your own, then show her a good time with material objects and dinner out to a nice place where she can show you (and the bling you just bought her) off to all the other showing-off ladies.

To all your female readers, if your man can't schedule check-ups for his own nether-region, you might have a problem. Also, if he doesn't shower you with gifts and swooning on Valentine's Day, just realize that they usually don't invest in that kind of crap anywhere NEAR as much as you do.

To wrap it up, keep your naughty parts healthy so you can keep doing the nasty. L'chaim!

Life, the Universe, and Everything: a tribute to chapters 1 & 2

Quote of the Day:
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun." - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Story time! I stumbled into my local Barnes & Noble the other evening, as I was armed with a wealth of collected B&N gift cards. One from Aunt Linda and Uncle George last Christmas, one from Aunt Linda and Uncle George this Christmas, and yet a third from (I think) Mike's mom for (I think) my birthday, with $1.79 remaining on it.

I first selected The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z by Max Brooks, because ever since I saw Zombieland, I've pretty much decided that I now want to grow up to be a zombie decapitator. Woody Harrelson is a paragon of ass-kicking awesomeness to begin with, but Zombieland elevated him to the Chuck Norris level of ass-kicking awesomeness, a high honor indeed! Mountain Dew Code Red + Bill Murray + Chainsaws used as weapons + Twinkies = One fuckin' epic movie!!!

But I digress. My second selection was predetermined before even stumbling into B&N. I had heard of a wonderful series of books written several years ago and the fact that I had not read them yet amazed many. However, my long love affair with a certain Mr. Steinbeck had been too intense for me to notice any other authors for quite some time. Not that Mr. Steinbeck and I have broken up, we're just on a break.... and we're not exclusive anymore. Once again, I digress.

That predetermined series was none other than (If you didn't already guess from the post title and Quote of the Day) Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Five books in one paperback volume. So far, I have only read the preface and chapters 1 and 2. But I already have a feeling that this book - this series - is going to change my life!

From the very first sentence, Hitchhiker clearly states that Earth, our home planet, the only habitat we have and know, which collectively is the center of our personal universe, is albeit totally insignificant and painfully primitive in the eyes of the rest of space. I can't imagine much truer sentiments. Not that I can speak for the rest of the universe, but we (and when I say "we", I refer to the current population of the planet Earth) seriously are strange race of beings. We call our system of cohabitation a "civilization" or "society." We progress and fall, we build and destroy; we don't learn anything. Our happiness depends on the movement of some green pieces of paper. The green pieces of paper move, but we're still, for the most part unhappy. Apparently, some girl figured out the solution without having to get nailed to a tree. I'm sure it was painfully simple, but I sure wish she'd shared that solution before that stupid catastrophe. But no. We're still here in the mindset that digital watches are a neat idea. We float around on this rock, thinking we're in charge of every other rock in the solar system. Isn't it possible that the reason we haven't come in contact with any other beings foreign to this planet is because we're not interesting to the rest of the universe? If other planets have the technology and ability to cruise the galaxy, I would imagine that we would be like the world's lamest, most boring roadside attraction in comparison. If you're cruising across the country, would you really pull over in excitement to see the "World's Smallest Pecan"? If you are, bless your heart. But seriously, if we were able to zip around space like the Jetsons, would you stop and check out a planet inhabited by beings with the collective intelligence and philosophy of an amoeba?

I guess my point is that even though we're not worthy of a visit, let alone an attack for what we consider to be precious resources, I'd sure like a visit from some friendly, yet superior beings to show us the light. Obviously, we're totally failing at this "civilization" thing. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome (Einstein said that... I think he got stranded here because he was too awesome to be a regular humanoid). So other beings, in your awesome space-traveling powers, can you cure our insanity so we may rise up and be worthy to learn from all the universe has to offer? There's just gotta be more than us in this very, very, very big collection of rocks.

Maybe I'll figure things out further when I finish the rest of the book(s).

...and maybe the best part of all this: I've still got $25 worth of B&N gift card left!

Just say it! It feels good!

Quote of the Day:
"Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it's bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!" - Cool Runnings

I've been doing some thinking about my friendship issues. My wise, beloved boyfriend says that my attempts to appease everybody is due in part to my "big heart." Well, dearest darlingest boyfriend, you're right. Now what I must do is acquire an equally powerful sack of marbles to accompany and protect that aforementioned organ from getting abused and manipulated by bullies. I hope I am always viewed as someone with a big, loving, open heart, but I do NOT wish to be viewed as someone who can be taken advantage of because I'm a people pleaser. I am WAY too old to let people (be it my mother, my friend, or anyone for that matter) make me feel small so they feel better. I need to toughen up because I don't want to get trampled anymore..... plus I feel bad for constantly complaining about it to my boyfriend. He doesn't need it and neither do I! So-fucking-THERE! So fuck you, people! You shall not run roughshod on me. That's my job!

And while I'm at it, I need to stop worrying about people not liking the person I'm in love with. I like/love him and that's what matters. I don't have to agree with you or follow your rules. Hell, I don't even have to listen to you if I don't want to. So fuck you too!

Hear that, folks? I like to make everyone happy and I still like you, but if you're gonna try and make me unhappy, FUCK YOU! *Inhale, Exhale* Ah! That's better!

Ok, heavy subject matter is over for the night. If you're still reading (which if you are, I commend you! Because I'm pretty sure that at 11:30pm, I'm not making sense anymore) I shall reward you with our favorite group of talking socks: