Oh, the consumerism outside is frightful...

I'd like to apologize to my multitude of readers (aka - myself)  for not writing a darn word for two months.  I scold myself for not being diligent and, therefore, tarnishing my writing skills.  But luckily, my return coincides with a subject that's been on most minds these days: Christmastime.

I find that my attitude towards the holiday season changes each year.  Some years, I’ll be a little Buddy the elf: totally stoked for everything Christmas, singing every song (except Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You and Christmas Shoes…. Fuckin’ hate those songs), decorating and baking like Martha Stewart, warmed by the spirit and cheer of the holidays, blithely swiping my charge card, and perpetually smiling (smiling’s my favorite!).  And some years, I’ll be a reincarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge: despondent, moody, anti-commercialism, avoiding all family gatherings like the plague and freely expressing my bitterness when I am eventually dragged to aforementioned gatherings.  Whether this mindset has anything to do with the fact that I was raised Jewish, but have ended up observing Christmas with my non-denominational mother for 20 years is up for debate.

This year, I find myself somewhere in the middle.  I hear the Christmas songs and see the light displays; a pretty and festive atmosphere.  But I don’t want to roll around in it, nor do I want to grumble and flee from it.  It’s like walking into a rich kid’s bedroom: cool toys and bright colors and desirable swag littering the floor, but it’s just not my room.  It’s not my party.  And frankly, it seems a tad overblown… for any kid.  Maybe the mood I’m in this year could be described as “besieged.”  Looking at the holidays from the Jewish P.O.V., I see an excessive, artificial, consumerist holiday that seems to bring stress, frustration, and drama to all. 

If you think about it, holidays can be pretty powerful.  We franticly search for “the perfect gift” and buy and buy for this one day out of the year.  Why?  Because it’s Christmas.  We nearly kill ourselves to make our houses look like an airplane landing strip. Why?  Because it’s Christmas.  *Fun Fact: According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 13,000 people were treated in the ER for Christmas related injuries last year.*  We feign goodwill toward men and table manners when all we want is to get out of this awkward social confinement called “family dinner” as soon as possible.  Why?  Because it’s Christmas.  All the major party holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, 4^th of July etc.) are marketed to put us in a certain mood.  And though Christmas may not be the only culprit, it’s certainly the biggest hullabaloo inducer.  We’re programmed to get wrapped up (no pun intended) in the holidays and to think they mean more than they do.  We don’t flip out like this on George Washington’s birthday, let alone Muhammad’s (Happy Muhammadmas!).

It seems to me that when we subject ourselves to obligatory gift giving, we become convinced that expensive tangible items are the best way to show people we care.  I disagree.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve been more grateful to my dad than the day he came and helped me change a tire at dusk in a parking lot.  I can’t remember feeling more loved by my man than the completely un-special night when he showed up at my door with flowers and a card when he heard I was having a horrible day.  I think those are the most meaningful expressions of love than any big screen TV or insert-“it”-toy-of-the-year-here.  Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a fancy gift from time to time, but the point is that that’s not what holidays are about.  The kiddies might not understand that yet, but it’s up to the parents to teach them that while they’re young so they don’t trample people to death at a Walmart on Black Friday in 30 years.  The Jews always seemed to understand it.  That’s why I appreciate Hanukkah and its underwear and “practical” gifts and lack of consumer crap so much. 

I’m not saying Hanukkah’s better.  Matter of fact, it’s a pretty lame holiday in the scope of things.  Hanukkah was actually just a victim of timing; it was only picked because it was the closest Jewish holiday observance to Christmas.  So we slapped a cutesy, feel-good story on an ancient war victory and tried to prop it up against an icon practically invented by Coca-Cola.  You’d think the smartest, most creative people on the planet, the Jews, could come up with something with a little more pizzazz!  But that turned out to be a good thing. We Jews pretty much realize how lame it is, so we don’t create all that stress and strife associated with Christmas in our minds.  We just make some good food, gamble with chocolate-covered coins, and laugh about what fools these goyim be!  So while you guys’ll always have that shred of guilt (at least the Catholics will) for not making Christmas remotely anything about the birth of Jesus (which is actually fitting, since he wasn’t born in December), Jews don’t have that problem because they completely fabricated their excuse to have a party!

So I guess the message I have for you listeners (aka – myself) is to remember what you’re celebrating and to make it count.  Don’t let your lights or inflatable Santa (don’t even get me started on that concept) or your menu or you manipulative Gram-gram stop you from enjoying the holidays.

What about Kwanzaa, you say?  Well, I’ve got no friggin’ idea what that’s all about. 

Lamest Christmas Song of All Time:

Fun Fact of the Day:
In Pennsylvania, it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

The Christmas Shoes. I can't stand that friggin' song! Just shove a big wad of stale cotton candy down my throat, why dontcha?! (By the way, I effing HATE cotton candy). I'm a Jew at Christmastime. If I'm gonna be subjected to the endless barrage of saccharine Christmas music invading the radio for a month and a half, at least give me some happy, peppy saccharine! Not this tear-jerking load of sap.

Now, in my frustration, I went to find a music video of this song (in case you've never heard it before) that showcases how lame it really is. Instead, I found this. I'm pretty sure that whoever made this video meant for it to be a moving piece of catharsis. However, I found myself nearly in tears, not by its sentimental message, but by how incredibly ridiculous it is. I couldn't breathe for a while because I was laughing so hard. Enjoy.


Christmas Shoes

Mrs. Patterson | Myspace Video

10 Things I Love About This Video:
1. It was obviously filmed in a Wal Mart
2. The kid has a rattail
3. The awful pantomiming (especially 1:45)
4. The shoes, which my mom referred to as "'Eff Me' Pumps"
5.The guy's reading In Touch behind the kid.
6. The cut off fingers on the kid's glove to make him look like Tiny Tim
7. Radio Disney
8. The Shell Credit Card
9. An 11 year-old kid riding a bike with training wheels
10. Touch the ornament

With shoes like that, I'm wondering what that kid's story is. I mean, those shoes are pretty skanky and no kid would buy shoes like that for his mom unless he'd probably seen her wear a pair like them before. Maybe he's poor because his mom's a hooker and they have no money because daddy ran off and won't pay child support and she snorts all her earnings away. And maybe Mommy's dying from some nasty STD or a bum needle or she's ODing and she lost her shoes in the hospital while looking for the pharmacy's stash of prescription drugs. Now her son has to run out to Walmart to find her a replacement pair! Well Merry fucking Christmas, Ma! ........God I'm sick. :)

Well, I now know that I will never listen to "The Christmas Shoes" in the same way again. I may actually enjoy hearing it, now that I have that entertaining visual to accompany it!



So in conclusion, Happy 2nd night of Hanukkah to all, and to all lilah tov!