Let's Get Biblical!

Quote of the Day:
"Let's be really fucking polite to everyone!" - Book of Mormon, The Musical

DISCLAIMER: Though I am a firm supporter of the theory of evolution, I believe that there is definitely a higher power/energy/being at work in this ol' universe.

I was listening to musical soundtracks on my iPod, as I often do, and had a thought while listening to the Off-Broadway cult favorite, Children of Eden. Children of Eden is the story of Adam & Eve and Noah with the strong themes of parents, children, and the ups and downs when said parties interact. At one point in the soundtrack, Eve asks "Father" (God is always referred to as "Father" throughout the show) in reference to the Tree of Knowledge, "But Father, if the tree isn't good for us, then why did you put it here?"


Good question, Eve! You're much more insightful than your insect-alphabetizing counterpart, Adam! It's cuz he's a guy. God's perfect, right? Eden's perfect, right? All the fruit-bearing trees in Eden are perfect for eating, right? So what's the deal with this one tree you can't go near? How is this tree not perfect if God's perfect? Hmmm..... That got me to thinkin'.

But "Father" laid down the law and said, "Guys, stay the frak away from that tree. Don't ask why, just go play naked someplace else and name some animals. And that worked great for about five minutes. Some bored, ambitious little serpent decided to convince the nudists that it's all good and they should check out the forbidden goods (Sidenote: other than notoriety for deception, what did the snake ever get out of all this? Usually one tempts others for some sort of personal gain, so what's his story? Maybe God bet him to see if he could get Adam or Eve to go first.)

Here's what I think: That tree was totally, no doubt, supposed to be there and we (humanity) were totally supposed to find it. If you're perfect, you create perfect. So I believe that the tree was perfectly placed for perfectly curious humans to find; to graduate from blissful ignorance and discover knowledge.

But if that's the case, why were we given paradise in the first place? You may say that God gave us the choice to stay ignorant and naked in a perfect garden, but we chose free will instead. Or maybe God intended for us to stay his children forever and we were punished for our disobedience. Well I see it differently. I think the Garden of Eden was never meant to be a permanent gift to humanity. I think it was more of a orientation to life/baby shower-ish gift.

Just as kids mature and graduate from baby food and training toilets, humanity matured from perfect, constant leisure into a world of intellect and responsibility. I think we (collectively) can only handle everything being fed to us for a certain amount of time before we start to develop our own thoughts and wants and feelings. Sure, it would be nice to be spoon fed and have our ass wiped and have every problem or thought solved for us by some almighty deity, but isn't it nicer to choose what you want to eat or where you shit or have an opinion of your own?

So I believe that that garden was, in a nutshell, the infancy and childhood of humanity. It was our gift of simplicity and innocence before we would eventually have to grow up, leave our safe little nest, and explore the world and ourselves. Think about it (and the fact that you can think for yourself rests my case), what loving parent or "Father" would want their child to be a dependent automaton? So yeah, it's our nature: we're born, we grow, we learn, we develop, we make mistakes, we think. Thought and free will is probably our biggest pain in the ass as well as our greatest gift. So thanks, God!

...Either that or that tree is where he kept his porn.

Douchebags On Parade: A Reality TV Case Study

Thought of the Day:
It's strange that the evening news begins with "Good evening", and then proceeds to tell you why it isn't.

Reality TV. The one type of entertainment even faker than WWE wrestling. Sure, wrestling requires skill and discipline and an appearance of reality, but is it actually "wrestling"? No, it's beefy, sweaty guys pummeling each other with chairs or climbing up the ropes to jump on each other. Which is fine. But here's my complaint: If you're going to call it "Reality TV," you should film people who make sandwiches for lunch and shop at Target and have insecurities and get busted for smoking weed and fart. Otherwise, call it "Stupid, Spoiled, Glitzed-Up, Drunk Rich people who are only famous for being vain and petty" TV. ... I guess it's just easier to say "reality."

#1: I was walking past the TV the other night and my mom & stepdad were watching American Idol. Disclaimer: I can't stand this show. As Ryan Seacrest (Gayest Name Ever Award??) is talking to one of the female contestants, we see an unidentified lady rubbing stuff on the contestant's legs. The contestant explains that the unidentified lady is putting shimmer make-up on her legs for the camera. This. Is. Not. Reality. This is totally scripted, primped-and-polished, superfluous bullshit! If you're getting make-up put on your legs, you are not on "Reality TV." You are on "Celebrity TV" or "Wannabe Celebrity TV."


#2: I didn't feel like vacating the premises when my mother tuned into tonight's episode of The Bachelorette, and being a psych major, I have an odd fascination for examples of people who are completely void of all common sense, so I stuck around. So within five minutes, I realize that we have a dozen guys and one lady with not two brain cells to rub together. And that's ok; douchy, self-serving assholes need love too, I suppose. And I actually may be screwing my argument up here a bit. I would like to say that nauseatingly vain people competing for the affections of people they don't actually care about while dating 24 other people isn't reality, but we all know it happens. *Le sigh*

But that's just the problem, we don't want to watch nice, genuine, average people achieve happiness or come out on top or inspire others (unless there's a twist at the end or money involved). We want to watch those "perfect" people falling on their faces, whining in their stilettos, pushing through each other's fog of self-indulgence, totally unaware of how dead inside they must be, with camera people recording the whole thing. And ya know why we watch? Because somewhere in our sick brains, it makes us feel better about ourselves. We like to watch others fail or cry or show weakness while we sit comfortably in the living room knowing that we are not them.

It kinda bugs me that they call it "reality" - not just because it really isn't reality - because that makes the feeble-minded people and, in particular, impressionable young girls of the world believe that's what reality is, hence further damaging our already skewed sense of self esteem and self image. Anyone figure out the solution? Get the fuck out of your house and live your own life instead of watching someone else live theirs! For Christ's sake, folks, it's summer! Go to the beach or something!.... Oh, and if my tax dollars are what paid for that shimmer leg make-up, I'm gonna flip a shit!

Midair Piggy Back Rides and Sweaty, Partially Nude, Hot People

Quote of the Day
"To lose a husband or a lover or two during one's lifetime can be vexing.... but to lose one's teeth is a catastrophe." - Mme. Armfeldt, A Little Night Music

I saw a rather disturbing, yet highly amusing commercial last night for the newest fragrance set to hit the shelves next month: Justin Bieber's Someday

So what we have here is a pre-pubescent girl, particularly her neck, getting molested by a very lethargic Justin Bieber. He then proceeds to take her on a celestial piggy back ride (still lethargic) while it looks like their wire harnesses are getting ridiculously tangled. He (and his gay-ass purple sneakers) finally restores the preteen to her bedroom for another neck-sniffing session as she spritzes on some more of his fragrance with a huge-ass flower for a lid.

Now I realize that this is probably one of the most G-rated perfume commercials you're ever going to get, but it's definitely not the most disturbing or nonsensical. You see, all fragrance commercials require a few things:

1. They must make absolutely no sense.

2. They must be sexual
- Usually including:

A. Heavy breathing
B. Making out or sexual touching
C. Lustful staring
D. Wetness: people are either extremely sweaty or submerged in water
E. Various levels of partial nudity by people with bodies that would make Adonis weep.

3. Any 30-second story line they many have come up with must NOT relate to perfume except for when the image of the bottle flashes on the screen at the end.

I've provided a few examples to back my research. First we have a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana's Light Blue.



Case in point. We have 95% nudity (extra points for white and wet attire), heavy petting, making out, washboard abs, and some very nice lustful staring. The message here is that if you buy this expensive fragrance, you too can be a beautiful, scantily clad supermodel making out with an equally beautiful, scantily clad supermodel by the pristine ocean.

Next we have Dior's Midnight Poison, starring Bond girl, Eva Green. I forgot to mention that there is a second type of fragrance commercial. Though usually still sexually charged, the second type typically entails a beautiful woman running around in a huge, asset-revealing ball gown.... and that's it.

And now I bring you a few example of the "wet" themed commercials. First, we have the lustful staring and ejaculation references. If that doesn't make me want to spritz on some perfume, I don't know what does!

I think the message of this commercial is pretty basic: use this perfume, and you'll climax.

And finally, we have Beyoncé's Heat. I think this is the only time that someone can appear to be walking around a sauna, yet still look damn saxy! Reminder folks, it's ALL makeup!

Yes folks, use this perfume, and you'll be sexy, beautiful, desirable, and moist! Plus you'll smell like Beyoncé! And who doesn't want that?

....and just for fun, we have the original queen of zany perfume ads, Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds. R.I.P., Liz!!

So go out into the word and buy yourself some self-assuring fragrant spray!

The Rapture's On Saturday At 6.... Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Snapple Fact #705: Every ton of recycled paper saves about 17 trees.

In case you're just joining us, there's a new development in the race of Bible-thumping wackos. According to Family Radio evangelist, Harold Camping, the "Rapture" will occur this Saturday, May 21, 2011. On that day, Jesus will return to Earth (yay!) and set the Judgement Day, a five-month count down to the end of the world, into motion (for those of you keeping count, that would be October 21, 2011). Those who are saved will be taken up to heaven, and those who aren’t will endure unspeakable suffering. Earthquakes will ravage the Earth and come October 21, the entire world will be kaput. Here is Camping's concrete, evident proof that this shit will indeed go down:

According to Camping, the number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "Heaven".

Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.

If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.

The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.

51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.

(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

Thus, Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a "story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we're completely saved."

Well that just sucks, don't it? Now I'm at a loss because I honestly don't know the difference between the Rapture, the Judgement Day, and the Apocalypse. I spent 10-minute intervals on Wikipedia trying to figure it out at work today! I only got more confused. Christians (when I say Christians, I include all Christ worshipping people; Catholics and Protestants etc. too) seem to be very good at confusing me. If I preached about love and got some disciples, only to later be turned over to some other dudes who beat me up and killed me, why would I come back to this stupid rock again? So that's almost three strikes right there for me: Ignorance, Blasphemy, and...... well, I'm Jewish and we're always the first to go, so there.


I definitely believe that we are all karma's bitch; you do wrong and the Universe will surely somehow bite you in the ass someday. However, I dont know how much I personally invest in the whole eternity and afterlife concept. Lemmie see if I've got this straight: We are condemned to spend all of eternity in either eternal punishment or eternal paradise (especially since the pope ruled out purgatory, so we don't even get a waiting room anymore)? Think about this: Milk and honey or fire and brimstone F-O-R-E-V-E-R, just based on that eensy-teensy blip of time we spend on this insignificant rock of ours? That sounds just a little extreme to me.

And another thing, God has just one guy (I believe the goyim refer to him as St. Peter) decide who gets to get in to Heaven? Talk about sucky jobs! I can't even begin to describe the myriad shades of gray in that whole debacle! So he's like Santa, right? Deciding who's naughty and nice enough for eternal paradise. I can see why the Judgement "Day" would take 5 months. We've got a lot of people living here! Hence my confusion here. Why does Jesus need to come back at all if we've got St. Peter with the clipboard checking off the "Saved" or "Screwed" boxes? Or if Jesus has to come again, what's St. Peter supposed to do? Or is St. Peter more like the Heavenly Inn concierge? Does he just stand at the pearly gates to welcome people? I don't frackin' know....

Well lucky for us, this Camping dude's been wrong before. He previously (and incorrectly) predicted that the world would end in 1994. He chalked that one up to a "numerical error." Uh-huh. But just in case you're still worried about your pets not getting into heaven (I don't know the rules about this one AT ALL, but it doesn't look too likely that Fluffy's got a soul), the atheists have you covered!

God Bless and see you all (or not) on Sunday!

I feel like shit and my stomach hurts.

Quote of the Day:
"I'm glad he's single, 'cause I'm gonna climb that like a tree." - Megan, Bridesmaids


I was going to have this massive venting session about some things that I'm currently very upset about, but my stellar boyfriend changed my mind. Yes, my man is controlling. He is the metaphorical slap upside the head and encouraging, "Don't be stupid, you already know the answer!" (DISCLAIMER: That slap upside the head remark is a JOKE. No physical harm has come to me via my boyfriend..... except for that time when he accidentally sat on my wrist. That actually kinda hurt). However, I will say this:

It's not going to be easy. I have been and will soon more than ever be pulled in two very different directions. There will probably be many more tears and many more nights of "Why does it have to be so hard?" But I have to be strong and say fuck you to some people, even though I really don't want to. Some things I once treasured (and I'll always treasure the memories) have been lost and no matter what may go down in the future, it's never going to be the same. People fuck up and people change. I've changed. I won't be a sidekick or a mindless lemming anymore. Even Robin, who had a pretty sweet gig with Batman, had to eventually leave the bat cave to come into his own (something about a Nightwing? I don't know his story...)

My man has once again coaxed me from the ledge of utter emotional insanity. I am breathing in, I am breathing out, I'm letting it go, and I am going to be happy.

Who's Your B-way Doppleganger?

Quote of the Day:
"I'm as moist as a snack cake down there, and I'm gonna make your pinky all stinky!" - Jerri Blank, Strangers With Candy

My dad called me up the other day with one of his fun Broadway assignments. Normally, he wants to know some pointless B-way trivia (my specialty), like what show some song is from or who played the original lead in this or what year that came out.... But this time, he came to me with a somewhat deeper assignment. He concluded that of all the epic characters created for musical theatre, the one that he relates to the most is Tateh from the epic Ragtime. Tateh is a devout Jew and mensch; hardworking, industrious, and totally wrapped around the finger of his little girl. I see the connection! So Dad asked me to take my time and decide among all the fantabulous characters of the stage who I resemble the most. A worthy challenge indeed!

Now, you must understand that this is the kind of pointless shit I live for. If there was a career based on knowing obscure information about the Great White Way, I'd be a flippin' millionaire by now! Seriously, hit me with your best shot, readers (or reader)! Ask me ANYTHING! I eat up anything Broadway-related like a fat kid devours cake! Anyway, I began to scour my endless library of musical soundtracks for inspiration to find my Broadway doppleganger.

It did indeed take me a while, but I eventually went with Fanny Brice from Funny Girl (see runner-ups below).

After much deliberation and swapping with my first runner up, I decided on the character immortalized by the equally immortal Barbra Streisand. It was also, not surprisingly, my dad's first choice for me. Fanny Brice is incapable of fitting in, physically or socially, simply because she's too damn special; but she finds her true calling in comedy. While surrounded by countless Follies Barbie clones, she stands out by being funny, witty, and genuine. She can smile and belt through her tears if she has a stage. She finds a man who falls for her unconventionality; she doesn't give that love up easily nor allow naysayers to bring her down. In a world where nothing, even love, is sure, Fanny knows that the stage will always be her soul, home, friend, and salvation.


Broadway Doppleganger Runner-ups:

Elphaba from Wicked - High-spirited, stubborn, non-conformist, and quirky. Elphaba was the first character I thought of as a potential doppleganger. She has no qualms about her inability to fit in physically or internally. Though she is physically incapable of being normal, she refuses to join the groupthink even if she could be. However, I found her to be a little too serious and left-wing to be my doppleganger.

Charlie Brown from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown - Green, simplistic, Average Joe, desires little more than acceptance from his friends (who don't always respect him) and for his kite to fly. He is the tragic victim of Murphy's Law, but refuses to give up. He gets nothing but rocks for Halloween, but still goes out every year with hope! I ended up not choosing Charlie mainly because he's a little young to be my doppleganger and I don't have a dog. I also wasn't sure if male characters applied to my dad's assignment, so yeah.

Belle from Beauty & the Beast - Hungry for knowledge and substance outside her immediate surroundings, doesn't settle for what others think is best for her, sees through a person's appearance to the mind and soul, and has a great relationship with her dad. She's got a sharp tongue and will not be exploited. But Belle is a lauded conventional beauty and ingenue, which I acknowledge that I never have been nor ever will be. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I can't really relate with the whole blushing beauty thing.

The first runner up: Marian "the Librarian" Paroo from The Music Man - Independent, guarded, and willful, Marian is a modern woman who has no patience for bullshit, even though it unfortunately abounds in her priggish hometown. She is popularly misconstrued as conceited and frigid, as she dismisses almost every romantic advance that comes her way. But it is only when Harold Hill comes to town that she begins to come to life. She does not desire to be treated like a goddess or a princess, so when a man of substance with something intelligent to say treats her with respect like an equal human being, she falls hard. It was very difficult to choose between Marian and Fanny. I love that Marian doesn't settle or take the easy way when she's surrounded by people who do just that. She's a bold lady!

So there you have it folks, my Broadway doppleganger. Now it's your turn...... except you don't have to use musical theatre. You can use film & tv if you want. I wanna know, who's your entertainment soulmate?????